Wednesday, December 4

What to do with myself

I don't know what to do with myself. I am sitting here, not knowing what to do with myself. I am feeling restless and a little lonely. Not because I don't have friends or love, or because my family is miles away and my sister never calls and the beef bourguignon was a bit too dry and the potatoes a bit too thick, but because I don't know what to do with myself.



I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do with the early mornings, the radio which keeps falling in the middle of the night, with all the recipes I do not know and I will never be able to memorise. I do not know what to do with myself. What to do with my guilt for being here, for having a house with a garden, a cat named Veronica and a rug from Peru. I do not know what to do with myself. What to do with feeling restless, feeling angry, feeling over the moon. Feeling that this is my life and I do not live it because I do not know what to do with myself. I do not know what to do with my parents, the external examiner's report, the UCU strike, a degree in Japanese Language, extra dimensions, temporal arteritis.

I do not know what to do with my cash, when I am bored, about orphaned animals and the wildlife. I don't know what to do with the feeling that I want to be a man, so that I can comfort a woman in my arms and say that it will be ok. And perhaps that woman is me, not knowing what to do with myself.

I don't know what to do about this concert on Wednesday, what to wear, how to make sure I do not fart. Don't know what to do about my helmet, my lousy ovaries, the fat cat that keeps shitting in my garden, my doctor who wears pink.

I don't know what to do with the mince meat, whether I should season it before cooking or after, when do the onions come in and if I should clap when they do.

I don't know what to do with 115.293 results of not knowing what to do with myself on google. And finally, I don't know what to do with short hair, leftover chicken, egg yolks and daffodils after flowering. But I suppose there is time to talk about those things and figure it out. And you are here, which is always nice. Thank you.

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