service is unavailable atm

explode or open up slowly

it doesn't always have to be forceful or dramatic

so forceful and dramatic otherwise it doesn't count

my eyes are wide open I stare at Luke

I'm interrogating you and I call you bitch sometimes


I exist and I don't have to prove that

I matter regardless

Today I ate nothing. There is nothing in the world I want more than chips. What's wrong with what I want? I don't know, it's all bullshit. It's all big round bullshit. A list of things that make me feel shame/ small and big, doesn't matter/ like a school performance.

no real sense of self-wroth

absolutely precarious and forever unsettling

UNLESS I START POOPING ALL OVER THE PLACE
UNLESS I START POOPING

 a beaten up child
because of the poop?
because of the poop

still hurting everywhere

this is my conditioning, that I self-sacrifice and that is a form of control
that I found one more reason to not like myself

if I were a dog, I would put myself down. no more hoovering. no more hoovering. how do I make this  work last? just practice, just practice.

I'm cushioning I'm cushioning pulling inwards layer myself up for disaster a wild dog attacks me trying to protect my skin my legs trying not to be beaten. Always attempting something.

I'm going inwards, retreating, closing down, in order to reboot, recharge, feel hopeful again

explode or open up slowly

Did you have a Pap test?
No, I showed it to a doctor friend.
Did you make an appointment?
No, through WhatsApp.

Did you get an STI test?
No, I showed it to a doctor friend.
Did you make an appointment?
No, through WhatsApp.

I'M READY

I'M READIER THAN EVER

Just don't text me on WhatsApp. 

Somehow on the edge of the field,

I find myself.

She seems nice enough if not a bit rough on the edges. 

I'm bad, even when I'm shitty. Even when I'm bad. 

I matter even when I don't matter. I'm ready. For all of it. Just don't overtax me on WhatsApp. 

She waves hello even when I know she doesn't totally mean it. But she is polite enough and doesn't mention that Chris is in the ICU. She wants to protect my feelings. She wants me to be ok. But I am ok. It's ok. Move on.

Να μη φοβαμαι να μπω να βγω στο κρυο το νερο. Να ειμαι εγω. Χωρις νερο δε μεγαλωνει το φυτο.

θες να με παντρευτεις? Εγω θελω πολυ. Εκτος κι αν δεν μπορω να παντρευτω 4 ατομα μαζι. Θυμασαι τοτε που ο Γουορεν ηρθε να σε βρει σε μια εξοχη και ηταν πολυ χανγκοβερ και του πληρωσες το μεσημεριανο? Θυμασαι που κανατε σεξ και ηταν χαλια? Αυτο ηταν το Σεπτεμβρη. Αλλο ενα χρονο μεινατε μαζι και δεν σε πηδουσε καθολου. Χαλια πραγματα.


will you marry me? I want very much. Unless I can marry 4 people together. Do you remember when Warren came to find you in a countryside and you were a lot of hangovers and you paid him lunch? Do you remember having sex and being a rug? That was in September. Another year you went down together and didn't jump at all. Carpet things.

Lost and tired
I am closing down

I'll let go off everything
but not your dick

I am prepared to let go off everything
apart from your dick

gather all of me together

let someone be pulled silently by the loop

things that don't serve me that I have been carrying around all my life

I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM AN ANIMAL
I AM A SUBMARINE
I DONT LIKE MY WEIGHT
I DONT LIKE GRAVITY
I CAN MOULD INTO MANY THINGS
I AM MANY THINGS
I AM AN ANCIENT FISH
I CAN SAVE MYSELF
I AHVE SURVIVED
I AM ALIVE
I HAVE EYES
I AM ALIVE.    I EXIST  I EXIST
                           I EXIST  I EXIST
                           I EXIST  I EXIST


I REFUSE TO BE DEFINED
I CAN RUN
I CAN SWIM

I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME




I CAN SPEAK
I CAN FLY
I CAN SWOM
I AM HEAVE AND SOFT
I AM A CONTRADICTION
I DONT HAVE FISH BUT I EXIST

I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING

SOME KNOWING
SOME NOT KNOWING

ANCIENT FISH
RUINS OF THE FEMALE UNDERWORLD
WE ARE GOING IN

I've notices you are writing a lot. Yeah, my practice is writing. What do you want most? That feeling that someone loves me. And what if that someone was you? Would that be ok?
Yeah, I think so.

where do you want to be loved?
in Norfolk.

what's the most loving thing anyone can do for you?
remember my fears, hold my hand through the woods, tell me it's ok, allow me to be myself
do you do these things for you?
no, not all of them.

you can only see things when you see them.
what do you want to ask warren?

Just killed a red spider. Her blood is everywhere. On the sink, in my notebook, on my hands, on the kitchen sink. Someone told me he loves me. It wasn't me, it wasn't me, it wasn't me. It wasn't me in the fiord or the boat to Macau.

Breaking down and breaking through.

allow things to settle in in the subconscious and seeing what the subconscious has to offer. Digestive process.

How are you processing stuff? Through taking, making, writing. Is it nice to switch off your phone? Yeah, really nice. Are these sanitary towels comfortable? Yeah, but a bit thick. Do you want a yoni massage? Yes, but I don't want to fall in love with the instructor.

MAKE SOME SPACE FOR THOSE WHO DON'T TAKE UP SPACE.

This lovely man - this beautiful, ginger, loving, gentle man fancies me. He holds me so gently from the back through my waist. He asks m if anything needs to be done.
SO MANY GENTLE HUGS.

Do you want a yoni massage?
Yeah, but I don't want to pay for it.

What do you want to ask Warren?
Was it the right thing to leave me?
Yes, for that time, it was.
Do you regret? No, but I am sometimes in pain.
Why are you thinking about him now?
Cause he pops up in my material as this loving figure here and there. Cause I loved him. Cause I thought I'd send my life with him and be his son's mother.
Did you really though?
Dunno. But it sounds nice.

Is this a real dialogue?
No, it's just you talking to yourself.
Why did you come with me?
Cause I wanted to.
But then you used it as a tool against me.
I am sorry I was upset.
What do you want most right now?
To accept myself.
How are you going to do that?
I 'm doing it already.