Dad gave 27.000 euros to the plumber who subsequently died. Dad never got back the money. The plumber’s wife is in a coma.

I dreamt that someone really loved me. It was just a feeling.

I flirt with Jamal, the sick phlegm volunteering and he starts vommiting Frankfurt sausages in the middle of the street. 

I’m on a date and keep burping sardines in tomato juice.

The only thing that actually gets me out of bed is the desire to weigh my self hoping I’ve lost some weight. 

I’m carrying a set of bricks on my back all the time. No, on wheels. They are perfectly placed so that I can actually see myself through on the other side. The wholes are symmetrical and beautiful. Nothing superfluous here. I could, if I wanted, encourage liquid through the holes and let it stand there until solid. If then use the solidified liquid to support myself, my skeletal lines, horizontal alignments. 

Every bone in my body feels Like a concrete block suspended from the ceiling. My muscles are rows of steel punctuated by chunks of chunks

He is very smart, very cute and he loves sticking a finger up my ass.

I admire people so much that can eat one crisp at a time.

I have no idea if you are a distraction or the whole fucking point.

So sloppy! Throwing drugs in the middle of the pub floor
so sloppy!
taking bumps outside a Bengali estate agency
so sloppy
not hiding anything
being yourself
not wanting to meet anyone else and only
hang out with Kurtis
But you are non-monogamous!
prove it! Fuck other men! Go out! be sloppy!
Throw yourself at Antony the bounce man.
What if he doesn't want to meet anyone else either for a while?
Don't kid yourself.

BRING IN THE BOY!
BRING IN THE BOY!
DON'T STAND STILL!
IT WILL HURT
IT WILL STINK
IT WILL BURN

BRING IN ANOTHER BOY
ADMIT DEFEAT
COVER IT UP
COVER IT UP NOW
FIND SOMEONE WITH GORGEOUS LIPS
AND FORGET ABOUT HIM

DOWNLOAD TINFER THE MOMENT YOU LAND

I have a terrible cold and I am determined to destroy other people's selfies. I secretly appear in the background sneezing, spitting or blowing my nose.

What's the first word you said as a child? Μπριτζολα. What does that mean? Steak - medium rare.

My aim this summer is to appear blowing my fat, swollen nose in as many people's selfies as I can master.

If you took care of yourself like you take care of the plumping, life would be different.

He pointed at two fingers hanging from the side platter and said: the fingers are decaffeinated/ gluten free.


I have this urge to text him, one year later, and ask: what did you mean you couldn't give me what I wanted? What did I want?

I mean, I might as well learn something from all this debacle.

Knowing what the secret is, and they know it because they are it.

You didn't know he broke up with me. He broke up via email while I was at the beach drinking beer. I even opened a bond in case his son wanted to move in with us. But there was no real space for his TV in my dream. So, better we split up, I guess.

When mum asked if I'm in a long-term relationship, I got a fever for three days.

cock travellers to me nonetheless.
Despite fractured thing, looking at myself from a different angle changes everything. Wow. What a discovery. You also have to use ear plugs when doing that.

FRACTURED FOOT + FEVER = BED BOUND + NO COCK

what time are you leaving so I know I come back.

I fractured my foot that summer and dad kept saying: my daughter has a limp and keeps running after this boy we don't know. So, I had to introduce my summer fling. Mum asked, while we were all getting drunk: So, when are you moving to London? I said: we are getting married in autumn.

We forgot a melon in the car-boot for a week. it stank and left stains on all our swimming suits.

Mum says: I know I'm your muse.

I haven't fucked Nick and I always wondered why. I'm kind of proud there is one man I haven't fucked and I supposes I should keep it that way.

My parents' foreplay consists in mum saying: I am going to wash my ass and dad asking: why, is there dried shit stuck on it.

Masterpiece Ruins
Last book he was ever reading was something to do with Europe's Ruins. Then he went into a coma.

Am I a total bully? I always shout at my mum with every excuse.

Raw evidence. Simon was lovely in Wroclaw. Then he came back to London and became a dick. Only texted me when he was horny or jet lagged and then he blocked me.

I broke your doorbell cause you wouldn't let me in. And then found a sex cinema ticket on your table. I'm 38 and I pee in my pants every time I sneeze.

No presumptions. Just sex.

Don't want to pressure anything. Just want to fuck you.

Give me more, but not too much, I can't handle it.

Are you Maria Walnut or Maria Walnut? I saw your biopsy. There was no cancer on your walnut. Kaput.
It doesn't go in.
I don't approve of you taking care of other men.

I'll give him my sea towel I just thought about it even if my mum objects cause deep inside is everything fine and I'm grateful for all the comings and goings all the people in my life all the flamboyancy all the love
cause I'm made of love and appetite.
I'm not one thing. Im not a slut.
I'm a slug. I'm a big slug sluggishly roaming around looking for food inside of me and in other people I want to exist because of and despite of everything.

I want to say nothing. Only that I’m here with no bones, no contentions, no nothings, I’m here, I feel, I walk. I’m only worried about the very small kids on the tiny bikes. I’m worried that I’ll never be able to be as alive as when pushing a small head out of my vagina. Or C section. I’m worried that my existence means nothing to no one. If you are reading this, text me with the word: RIPE. 07845046726 

I just need to exist within a spectrum of seriousness and frivolity.

Do you have a thing for noses? Yeah, I like big noses! No, I mean, do you have a tissue? 

When I stopped drinking alcohol for a month cause I almost blinded myself when drunk, the first glass of wine I had afterwards was a really expensive red from France. 

When I stopped eating for a week doing a liquid cleansing, the first thing I ate was an expired quorn sausage left outside the fridge for a while.

Now I’ve stopped dating and having sex for a few weeks, detoxing. I wonder what will happen next. 

www.spitspatspat.blogspot.com

That’s it you’ve got it, that’s a single page a single page just move on move on that’s a single page move on you’ve got it

Oh no you’re right, there was another page 

When I close my eyes, my pussy is itchy 

There is no difference! 

There is a difference!

No there is no difference!

Yes, there is a difference!

No, there is not difference! 

There is a difference!

No, there is no difference!

Yes, there is a difference between Scottish and Irish accent!!!

.......

There’s no difference.

I’m looking at this scene from below. I’m lying on the floor or on a sofa bed. There is a cis gender man kind of cute that gets increasingly upset, because a girl who is a friend of mine, insists that there is no difference between Irish and Scottish accent. She is half English half foreign and she is trying to convince him to do the difference in accent. I feel bad because it seems like I may have brought these two people together. 

His life is sufficient unto itself

Love will kill everything

unlike itself 

it blows it into the nothingness that 

it is

(my new tattoo)

I don’t have to listen to anyone, not even myself! 

What did you say?

A child runs the length of the floor of a Costa coffee inside a Next Home shop inside a shopping centre in Barking. The child falls on the floor and smashes his face. The first memory he has in this tender age is me laughing at his smashed face. The first memory he has in this tender age is my loud laughter that echoes on the massive windows of the cafe, beyond the metal hydraulic panels of parcel force, beyond the pine trees of Barking forest. The dog is barking, I’m laughing , the mother of the child is crying. The barista has had enough, she comes and smacks me over the face. I laugh louder and louder, I’m so happy and held in this tender age, my first memory of laughter. 

Another baby is sitting next to me. She has more hairs than any baby should have at this age. Her eyes are massive and stuck on the sides of her head. This is not a baby. This is our bright future. Our brightest of our bright future. And I treasure it forever. 

I dreamt I put my hand inside a giant angry dog’s mouth. It felt nice and warm and the dog curled all around my body and warmed me up. Then I found a letter in his collar saying don’t hug me I’ve got contagious flees

Watching this movie where four old men have sex with a young girl. I can’t decide who I identify more with the young girl or the old men 

It is a key week

A kiwi?

A key wee

A kiwi?

A ki-wee?

A kiwi?

Everyone says it’s a kiwi.

So I learnt last night you’ve been flirting with every single girl around us. The fatties and the uglies and the redheads and the drunks. I dreamt we were going to shoot a water porn in a lake. Lucy McCormack and Lauren Barri Holstein were there.

400 criminals have sneaked back into my heart and need to be convicted and not tolerated and deal with the law. I mean, as a country, I’m learning about what abuse means for the non-convicted. I’m not denying food to my victims. I force breast feed them every morning. I receive 100 calls per hour. 

So here’s the thing: I find a really handsome boyfriend and things don’t work out and I assume it’s because he was handsome and then go for an ugly one and things don’t work out and I assume it’s because he was ugly and then go for a handsome one and things don’t work out and then I go for an ugly one and things don’t work out and then go for a handsome one. And by the end of this journey I’ve kissed so many beauties and ugliest my mouth hurts and my heart is broken and my labia has been dislocated to the side.

He said I’ll call you in 5’ and then disappeared forever.

Feeling so unloved I could throw up. 

Feeling so sick of myself I could throw up 

I’ve taken my leg out for a walk 

I’m throwing the banana peel in the washing machine and the dirty socks in the rubbish.

are you still waiting around for an answer. no. then what are you doing here. waiting around for an answer. so you are waiting around for an answer. no. so what are you doing here. waiting around for an answer.

no you killed my hard on. I don't care if I like you or not. I just want to play. I want to play here and now, from my bed, from my desktop. I don't care if you are too skinny or too white or have a pink dick. I just want to be me and you to be you and sometimes to lose ourselves into each other. Is that possible. Misscall if yes.

you've given me a task and I keep tapping on my screen so it doesn't get dark. I can't wait till you text me: Five reasons why you wan to meet me in bullet points. You must be horny as fuck. I thought of K today when masturbating. First time in months. That I thought of K. Not that I masturbated. I want my very own AI lover. He will be kind and gentle and affectionate, a little like Dimitris, and a super hottie and an intellectual, and he will have all kinds of ideas why he should be allowed into my home for good. Like he will say things like: I am working  through my neuroses all the time and then I get better and then I start again. Or he will say things like: you seem to have an interesting relationship to sex. I like people who are not scared of their sexuality. Or maybe not. Maybe that's too obvious. Yes, that's too obvious.

wow you are taking that slag thing very personally. You are actually typing for so long. Fucking her, just say it, just press enter, just press enter, come on. Can't stand this waiting. I am not sure I fancy you, I mean you are frail and white and you probably have a pink dick. I mean what good could that be. but I am curious to know why you like me, I am a total slag. You like me because of that or despite of them It better be the latter, you want a latte? no, it better be the latter.

so why do you want to meet me. Cause you are a slag. How to you know that. Cause you are a slag. And how do you know that. Cause you are slag. Slag. And how do you know that cause you a slag. keep fingering my screen. Cause you are a slag. keep playing with my keyboard. Cause you are a slag. Keep doing stuff to my electronic devices. Sexy stuff. Plugging them. You keep plugging my electronic devices cause you are a slag. Slag slag. Not just to charge them. Just to plug them cause you are a slag. Just to properly properly plug them. To properly properly plug them cause you are a slag. Slag. Slag. Slag. Slag. Slag. Slag. Yeah Slag. Cause you are a slag. like a proper one? yeah. Good.

did you call me a slag. yeah. did you call me a slag slag. yeah. I am a slag slag slag. Yeah. did you want me a slag slag slag slag slag yeah. I have to see you later. Make an appointment. Slag.

I am doing much better these days, but I still need to do the washing. The washing machine? No, the washing. The washing machine? no the washing. I need to do the washing. You mean the washing machine. No the washing. The wishy-washing? no the washing. The wishy washy machine? No the washing.

Further up, it's further up. Like down? No, it's further up like down like further up just brush it brush it brush it - pretend your re having sex with Richard D. like non-penetrative sex like he is fingering you for hours and you are running around in a shirt to find the toilet. Like the fingers go everywhere - inside, outside, everywhere, they go up your anus, up your vaginal walls, they extend inside your uterus, they become your baby, your featus your baking bring inside your vagina, it the fingers of Richard D. but its also your featus your feature your featus crying inside your uterus, your tilted uterus is that an issue? no but they might have to do enforced sea section on your forehead. Why on the forehead? Cause the doctor is blind. Are there blind doctors, yes, of course, don't discriminate against the blind.

I found a way to be me and not me at the same time. It's simple. You just keep all things open for a while and move across the pages. This one and another one further down the line. What things matter most: having the space and time not to move too far when you have 1. sore breasts, 2. a fractured food, 3. a headache. Knowing that it's ok to be wrong. It's ok to be angry and if you hurt yourself or someone else, you can still apologise. Or correct your position. Wheel back and forth and correct your position. Not to smooth out the creases, just to be in the place you choose. Is that the right place? No, it's the place you choose. Do I need to say any more? Yes, you do/ do I ? Yes you do, do I, yes you do, Do I, do I really, yes you do. do I? Yes, you do, you fucking do, you fucking fucking do, do I need to say more? Yes, you fucking do.

You know how you text back and forth back and forth with great fervour with someone you’ve just met at a conference who said that your work has got under his skin and then kissed you under the trees? And then suddenly  the messages stop coming and you’d wish you had not sent that last message saying: excellent! Let’s be writing buddies? Yeah, I never do that. I never stop at that really great moment so that I don’t appear too much. I keep going. I keep going and I don’t fucking care, I text him again and again, follow him on Twitter, stalk him on Facebook and like his pics on Instagram I keep going I keep going I keep going 

I think the rhythm is on. It is ready the rhythm.

I dreamt I had to go to military service for three months. I did not have time to cancel my appointments, I was crying, my dad was crying, I took the green jumper with me.

I want to find my men like I am in a charity shop. Look through all the rubbish and then discover this one unique, precious find. This is how it works for me anyway.

THERE AND GROW.
LET THEM GROW AND COVER
THE INSIDES OF YOUR THROAT
AND FURTHER DOWN YOUR STOMACH
YOUR SPLEEN YOUR AORTA.
NOW,  IT'S A GROWING WILD FIELD
IN THERE TAKING OVER
AND THE FUNCTIONS OF YOUR BODY
STOP ONE BY ONE

I can see the addictive pattern. I can never properly look at you, as me, when you are around. I can only look as this other person. The moment you leave, my elbows tall in place, my brow relaxes. I'm still tucking my belly in though just in case
My legs are crossed like a lady and I softly touch my fingers with one another, feeling that I'm still there. I haven't yet disappeared. I still exist despite your absence.
But this is not me either. Cause I've been so close to you it's impossible to feel anything without you.
I can't ever order a drink without you. I wait till you are back from the toilet until I can order another drink. I'm worried the words don't come out properly they will just sound like sound.

Just put your seashells back on and leave me alone. Do you fancy the octopus more?
Yes, but only for foot massage. What's that about stationary? Oh, that's from last year.
I promise I'll never be a sucker again.
Yeah! Be a sucker!
Yeah! Be a sucker!
I promise I'll only fuck with the clouds.
Yeah! Fuck with the clouds!
Yeah! Fuck with the clouds!
I promise, I'll never make stupid faces ever again to a baby (on the plane)
Yeah! Make stupid faces! Yeah!

What do you do? I'm a script writer. I study literature.
I'll never fuck a man with glasses and funny beard. He'd look too much like my dad.

HAVE SOME CRISPS, YEAH
HAVE SOME PRINGLES
HAVE SOME PRINGLES
PAPRIKA YEAH
PUSH THEM DOWN YOUR
THROAT YEAH FURTHER DOWN
LET THEM ROOT IN

I'll come in the night when your baby is asleep and sit on your cock. It will be totally consensual, of course, but you'll be asleep.

Don't call me daddy.
Why
Cause I'm not your daddy.
Yes, you are.
Yes, but not in that way.
what do you mean?
I mean, I'll only be your daddy if you do
the dishes and wear the clothes I ironed
for you and go to spin classes.

Lovesickness is like grieving. So, I use Chris' illness to cry about Kurtis.

Are these boys astonishing? Maybe? I have no idea if they are a distraction or the whole fucking point.

Is focusing on them a way of focusing on you?
Exhausted by all the bullshit. I've seen all the pictures, I went to the exhibitions.
Bring in another boy!
Don't stand still, it will hurt, it will stink, it will burn. Bring in another boy, admit defeat, cover up the pain. Don't miss him, don't miss him, it's too painful, or miss him, but make sure you find someone else quickly. Cover it up, cover it up new. You don't want to be lovesick for too long.

Find someone with gorgeous lips to forget about him. or find a Dom to tell you what to do. Or find someone with a prominent jaw or a beard that goes all the way to their ears, or someone with big eyeballs. But I want him. His eyeballs, his gorgeous lips. No, you have to find someone else, you can't commit to one person again and lose yourself. Just find someone old or young or middle-aged it don't matter. Just anyone. I'm basically looking for holes. Not unbearable holes. Just really spectacular, beautiful holes where I can stick my fingers and toes and relax for the night. I'm basically looking for a snack to nibble on. Not too salty or too sweet, just your average nibble.

You don't owe me anything. We said goodbye by Sainsbury's. You said you like my voice.

But you are awful on the phone. It's ok to have an awful phone manner as long s your bed side manner is good.

I'm so depressed I have a belly. I thin of my belly as an extended field of ugly herbaceous stems that extends beyond where the eye can reach. It is the kind of field that has holes in places and can suck you down. I feel the same about my lower belly, pubes and bones. I never said I don't have Herpes, I only said it's been dormant for a while.

I don't want to meet anyone married for a while. Not for chatting, not for fucking, not for company. This is not for me. All this Simon business has totally put me off. I can never comprehend how the here works. First you totally go for it, utterly overwhelmed by the incredible imaginings of hope - you dance like crazy and fuck up the ass - even the poop doesn't bother you.

THROW UP THE POOP
THROW UP THE POOP

And 8 months later you are tired of his dick and blame the birth control pill. You are in Greece for holidays and your vagina is dry as fuck and the only thing that excites you is designer jewellery or a chocolate donut.

I HOPE ALL THE 

FUCKING KIDS

TRIP OVER SOMETHING 

AND DIE

George, George, say I'ms sorry, say I'm sorry. George, say I'ms sorry, apologise (or we go)

what did you do last night? I put a hammer up my ass (and did a little dance)

I can't do looseness
and I can't do closeness

oh yeah, I see what you mean, totally profound.

ok one more time less hysterically

why does rage have to be contextualised? Even for women, by women? 

what I hate most in my life is someone that pretends they are enjoying themselves 

I missed you, you work too much

I want to meet your needs but I don't want to meet mine. Oh hello how are you?
I want to meet your needs but I want to meet mine.

Not sure what it means to meet in the middle.
Isn't the middle a cliff?

All I asked for was two nights a week off.
What kind of love is this?

How was that?
Yeah, that was amazing. Was it? Yeah, amazing.
Really? Yeah, amazing, especially when like the people held hands and pressed their faces against the wall yeah, that was amazing Yeah.

Did you like that bit where everyone started humming and that woman took off her cocks and started sucking on her toes? Yeah, that was nice.

You didn't think it was, like, profound?
No, I wouldn't say profound, why not? CauseI don't know when was the last time she had a shower.
Why does that matter? Maybe it doesn't matter, buy actually her toes were yellow. Maybe that's just the colour of her toes. No, I am pretty sure it's not.

How do you know? Cause after she sucked them, the toes became white.

Do you like, like, when people do really gentle, nice things for each other? No, I fucking hate that.

Do you like when contemporary dancers have this, like, empty look in their eyes, like they are looking and not looking at the same time?
Or when they open their mouth slightly and sort of smile without actually being happy? What do you make of that? That's just contemporary dance.
Do you like when dancers pair their pyjamas with a really nice t-shirt and call that a costume?

Someone is dying and I'm asking them who is their favourite actor so that they remain alive.

BITTER

I WILL END UP LIKE THAT BITTER OLD LADY - HER FACE TASTES BITTER LIKE LIME

TOTALLY KNACKERED BY BREXIT

All these men never shutting up all these business men never shutting up doing business
on the go over the phone, never shutting up

I'm such a business man, doing business, I'm such an incredible business man, doing business
I'm so sorry I hear it didn't work out with that company

This is my friend Connie. This is my dear friend Connie. Connie is a pervert. He's been looking at me blatantly from the moment I walked in.

Connie will probably go for a Turkish after this. You know, the really dirty kind.

Don't stick your tongue out
Why?
Because I want to chop it off.
How would you do that?
With a machete.
I think you should do it with a loan mower.

verge of misogyny
all the things I can fuck

what becomes of a sound

not to avoid pain but to go deeper into it and understand it

is it weird that your mum looks more asian than mine?

oh, my armpits are warm

The adults are here
but the one is half drunk
and the other a goat

I've got small tits
and long hair
and I've got a rabbit that's
all I've got...≥≥≥.

STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DICK

DROP ME OFF HERE

I HATE YOU

LET'S GET AIRNBN BITH

LET'S GET AIR BN BITCH

if I wasn't me, would I hate me?

How to engage with something so difficult it leaves you speechless. Does your piece have production values? No, but it has values.

opening up in all places

opening everywhere

SEX? NO, HEX.

I'M SO AWKWARD I'M NERVOUS

PUT A HEX ON PERPETRATORS OF VIOLENCE

I'M NOT GOING TO TOUCH YOU

BRACE YOURSELF PATRIARCHY

I'M IN A BAD MOOD

WHAT A BORE

WHAT A WILD BORE

GREEK FOOD IS SHIT

BUCKLE UP PATRIARCHY

FARTING TOO MUCH

I SHAT MY PANTS ON OUR FIRST DATE

Would I be happier if I cam here every morning? Surrounded by the Youngs and the oldies and the vape users?

Would I be happier if you texted me every morning that you loved me? Remember you used to do that thing long time ago, then you became a girl.

My hollow stomach cannot stop thinking of you. But it is not you I am thinking it is someone else. It is someone with a good English accent and a perfect phone manner. Someone that knows how to cross their legs and eat a pain au chocolat and graduate from school next year.

My foot is broken but mostly I am worried about my heart. Cause this is too much pressure to bear, too much pressure to worry that it has to be dramatic or forceful all of the time.

They gynaecologist suggested that I do not have polycystic ovaries anymore. Where are my cysts? Have they abandoned me?

Have they gone gone gone with not return? I feel left alone and I cannot say anything to complain cause apparently that's a good thing.

Fuck the storytelling. Fuck the funny storytelling. I just don't want to feel reliable anymore. I don't want to feel reliable. I want to roam around like a bitch, a big bitch in the streets and carry my left foot with me Aron Aron

I want to grow in a different hole away from here

there we go, here we go

here is the problem of this emptiness

is that really a problem?, no, it's more of an enigma

is it like an enigmatic problem where your mother dies in the second episode and you move into a fish tank?

other ways of living, growing, making love

I'm farting too much

what is the problem with this place?

HOLE
HOLE

HOLE

Some people hate their holes some people want to get rid of them some people want more holes

Two beans on credit
I don't want to get pregnant
so I'm growing
a nest on my head
it helps me because
my nest is coming
everywhere with me
it's another hole

HOLE
HOLE

HOLE

My baby only has
one leg one
belly button
one pair of shoes -
it's not a baby it's
a root
it's a root that
probably won't grow

service is unavailable atm

explode or open up slowly

it doesn't always have to be forceful or dramatic

so forceful and dramatic otherwise it doesn't count

my eyes are wide open I stare at Luke

I'm interrogating you and I call you bitch sometimes


I exist and I don't have to prove that

I matter regardless

Today I ate nothing. There is nothing in the world I want more than chips. What's wrong with what I want? I don't know, it's all bullshit. It's all big round bullshit. A list of things that make me feel shame/ small and big, doesn't matter/ like a school performance.

no real sense of self-wroth

absolutely precarious and forever unsettling

UNLESS I START POOPING ALL OVER THE PLACE
UNLESS I START POOPING

 a beaten up child
because of the poop?
because of the poop

still hurting everywhere

this is my conditioning, that I self-sacrifice and that is a form of control
that I found one more reason to not like myself

if I were a dog, I would put myself down. no more hoovering. no more hoovering. how do I make this  work last? just practice, just practice.

I'm cushioning I'm cushioning pulling inwards layer myself up for disaster a wild dog attacks me trying to protect my skin my legs trying not to be beaten. Always attempting something.

I'm going inwards, retreating, closing down, in order to reboot, recharge, feel hopeful again

explode or open up slowly

Did you have a Pap test?
No, I showed it to a doctor friend.
Did you make an appointment?
No, through WhatsApp.

Did you get an STI test?
No, I showed it to a doctor friend.
Did you make an appointment?
No, through WhatsApp.

I'M READY

I'M READIER THAN EVER

Just don't text me on WhatsApp. 

Somehow on the edge of the field,

I find myself.

She seems nice enough if not a bit rough on the edges. 

I'm bad, even when I'm shitty. Even when I'm bad. 

I matter even when I don't matter. I'm ready. For all of it. Just don't overtax me on WhatsApp. 

She waves hello even when I know she doesn't totally mean it. But she is polite enough and doesn't mention that Chris is in the ICU. She wants to protect my feelings. She wants me to be ok. But I am ok. It's ok. Move on.

Να μη φοβαμαι να μπω να βγω στο κρυο το νερο. Να ειμαι εγω. Χωρις νερο δε μεγαλωνει το φυτο.

θες να με παντρευτεις? Εγω θελω πολυ. Εκτος κι αν δεν μπορω να παντρευτω 4 ατομα μαζι. Θυμασαι τοτε που ο Γουορεν ηρθε να σε βρει σε μια εξοχη και ηταν πολυ χανγκοβερ και του πληρωσες το μεσημεριανο? Θυμασαι που κανατε σεξ και ηταν χαλια? Αυτο ηταν το Σεπτεμβρη. Αλλο ενα χρονο μεινατε μαζι και δεν σε πηδουσε καθολου. Χαλια πραγματα.


will you marry me? I want very much. Unless I can marry 4 people together. Do you remember when Warren came to find you in a countryside and you were a lot of hangovers and you paid him lunch? Do you remember having sex and being a rug? That was in September. Another year you went down together and didn't jump at all. Carpet things.

Lost and tired
I am closing down

I'll let go off everything
but not your dick

I am prepared to let go off everything
apart from your dick

gather all of me together

let someone be pulled silently by the loop

things that don't serve me that I have been carrying around all my life

I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM AN ANIMAL
I AM A SUBMARINE
I DONT LIKE MY WEIGHT
I DONT LIKE GRAVITY
I CAN MOULD INTO MANY THINGS
I AM MANY THINGS
I AM AN ANCIENT FISH
I CAN SAVE MYSELF
I AHVE SURVIVED
I AM ALIVE
I HAVE EYES
I AM ALIVE.    I EXIST  I EXIST
                           I EXIST  I EXIST
                           I EXIST  I EXIST


I REFUSE TO BE DEFINED
I CAN RUN
I CAN SWIM

I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME




I CAN SPEAK
I CAN FLY
I CAN SWOM
I AM HEAVE AND SOFT
I AM A CONTRADICTION
I DONT HAVE FISH BUT I EXIST

I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING

SOME KNOWING
SOME NOT KNOWING

ANCIENT FISH
RUINS OF THE FEMALE UNDERWORLD
WE ARE GOING IN

I've notices you are writing a lot. Yeah, my practice is writing. What do you want most? That feeling that someone loves me. And what if that someone was you? Would that be ok?
Yeah, I think so.

where do you want to be loved?
in Norfolk.

what's the most loving thing anyone can do for you?
remember my fears, hold my hand through the woods, tell me it's ok, allow me to be myself
do you do these things for you?
no, not all of them.

you can only see things when you see them.
what do you want to ask warren?

Just killed a red spider. Her blood is everywhere. On the sink, in my notebook, on my hands, on the kitchen sink. Someone told me he loves me. It wasn't me, it wasn't me, it wasn't me. It wasn't me in the fiord or the boat to Macau.

Breaking down and breaking through.

allow things to settle in in the subconscious and seeing what the subconscious has to offer. Digestive process.

How are you processing stuff? Through taking, making, writing. Is it nice to switch off your phone? Yeah, really nice. Are these sanitary towels comfortable? Yeah, but a bit thick. Do you want a yoni massage? Yes, but I don't want to fall in love with the instructor.

MAKE SOME SPACE FOR THOSE WHO DON'T TAKE UP SPACE.

This lovely man - this beautiful, ginger, loving, gentle man fancies me. He holds me so gently from the back through my waist. He asks m if anything needs to be done.
SO MANY GENTLE HUGS.

Do you want a yoni massage?
Yeah, but I don't want to pay for it.

What do you want to ask Warren?
Was it the right thing to leave me?
Yes, for that time, it was.
Do you regret? No, but I am sometimes in pain.
Why are you thinking about him now?
Cause he pops up in my material as this loving figure here and there. Cause I loved him. Cause I thought I'd send my life with him and be his son's mother.
Did you really though?
Dunno. But it sounds nice.

Is this a real dialogue?
No, it's just you talking to yourself.
Why did you come with me?
Cause I wanted to.
But then you used it as a tool against me.
I am sorry I was upset.
What do you want most right now?
To accept myself.
How are you going to do that?
I 'm doing it already.

I went to Melinda’s wedding today. Onur came with me. We spoke to people we had never met and pretended to say cheers in Hungarian. I cried a little when they promised to love and to care for each other forever. What does that forever mean? What is it about it that makes people stick to each other through thick and thin? Is it the fear of solitude? Or the desire to belong? I saw an old friend in the wedding. He said so many nice things about me. I had nothing nice to say about him. I thought he was not very nice until today. He told me he needed to get phased in order to express his emotions and he was clearly pissed then. He revealed his is a senior engineer something something but that that was not him. He wasn’t senior anything. You are senior to me. I wanted to say. A senior dick. No, that’s too harsh for someone that shows vulnerability. Besides, Onur says I shouldn’t be judgemental. Walked to the station through the corn fields, it was lovely. Now heading home with my open heart and being grateful for my warm salad with eggplant and tomatoes I’ll be having imminently. 

Epsom Downs

What did you say? Epsom Downs. You ve been struggling with ups and downs? No, I’m going to Epsom Downs.