Today I ate nothing. There is nothing in the world I want more than chips. What's wrong with what I want? I don't know, it's all bullshit. It's all big round bullshit. A list of things that make me feel shame/ small and big, doesn't matter/ like a school performance.

no real sense of self-wroth

absolutely precarious and forever unsettling

UNLESS I START POOPING ALL OVER THE PLACE
UNLESS I START POOPING

 a beaten up child
because of the poop?
because of the poop

still hurting everywhere

this is my conditioning, that I self-sacrifice and that is a form of control
that I found one more reason to not like myself

if I were a dog, I would put myself down. no more hoovering. no more hoovering. how do I make this  work last? just practice, just practice.

I'm cushioning I'm cushioning pulling inwards layer myself up for disaster a wild dog attacks me trying to protect my skin my legs trying not to be beaten. Always attempting something.

I'm going inwards, retreating, closing down, in order to reboot, recharge, feel hopeful again

explode or open up slowly