lover

1 she had a secret lover boyfriend, girlfriend, beloved, love, darling, sweetheart, inamorata, inamorato; mistress; partner, significant other, main squeeze; informal bit on the side, toy boy, boy toy; dated ladylove, beau; archaic swain, concubine, paramour.

kiss miss piss and other stories

Will you kiss me? Will you kiss me and hold me and stay for a while? If you kiss me and hold me, I will kiss you back and hold you. And I will wonder what about the rest of them, what about the ones you forgot about, what about them, will you, will you one day remember them, the ones you forgot about. And in the morning I will wake up before you do, if you kiss me, I will wake up and bring the water and wash your forehead, because it was very warm during the night and you have fever, it was very warm the heating on five. And you will have never been kissed before and my armpits will smell but you will not mind and the rest of them will have broken the wine and will have drunk it with the pieces of glass inside and I will take my tights off and we will walk back home barefoot or shoeless whichever you like, if you kiss me.

And the light will be too light and when you will write to me for the first time I will run around the house barefoot or shoeless whichever you like, like that night, the night that you had never been kissed before and that the rest had broken the wine and drunk it with the pieces of glass inside. And you will have fever again and I will bring the water and wash your forehead and my armpits will smell but you will not mind. But, only if you kiss me. And you will say I imagined that, I imagined me saying to you I have never been kissed before and you saying let’s go outside, I imagined that you will say your house is too warm and I have fever I imagined you will say, but only if you kiss me and hold me and I will not smoke and I will not drink and I will not eat and I will not bathe, only if you kiss me.

this thing

this is the start of a beautiful something and the beginning. Start and beginning are somehow different is sorts. For once, a start is a verb too. Beginning too is a verb, of course, but not really. I like it when you go away. I like it, because a. you write to me letters and b. in your letters you call me your little one, c. I get to sneak in your room and lie on your pillows ad nobody knows. I am cold now. I am hot in your bed with the pillows or reading your letter my little one. I am in the toilet, writing this and being cold. I had three salads today. To make up for yesterday and the day before when I had no salads You cannot find the question mark on the keyboard, you say, maybe because there are no questions to be asked. You cannot find Z either, perhaps because Z is nearly the end and this thing has not yet ended. I like to put off my cigarette in the tap, because it complains. I then have to wrap it around, because it stains.

all the things

I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you and I am not copying this I am writing it anew each time I hate you I hate you and I am not copying not even once I hate you I hate you you bastard how lame how lamely lame of me to write this how lame how many times I have to write how many times to let it rest how many it's not enough it's almost not enough I thought and I don't care about the trains about the broken buttons the torn collars the seized sleeves the no I don't want the I will never the I will always the cannot I'm afraid the forever the somehow the sometime the calm down the be on time the stay alive the claim twice the bullies the trulies the bags and the purses the mercies the fuck fuck tenses the will be yours will be mine the forever yours forever mine the fuck you and fuck mine the you never have you never can you never bum you never lam how lame of me how lame how lamely lame to write this you never come on time which time what time you fuck you not time there is no time to moan to stay to cry to try to lie to fry your balls in the oven with olive oil and tomato juice and all the things you like there is no time for you or me or all the things in between and mine yes mine

Lloyd gave me this yesterday. He said he wanted to give me a kiss, but he gave me this. Next time, perhaps, next time. Now, i keep this close to me and I feel warm, which I need, being so cold outside, and I am scared I feel so warm. (I just notice now, the pages of this have little teeth on the side, they are cuttable. Do I have to, then, do I have to. To give away my pages, do I have to. ) I want to become myself, again and again, in this haunting repetition of memory. Where are you inside all this happening to me at this very moment. These are the best stitches. These are the best stitches ever. The ones I have from saying bye byes. The ones I will never admit to. The ones I have stitched myself with.

I want to be with this vulgar man that pucks me all night and does not care about me. I want to be with this terrible man, who sleeps deep and does not hear me dream. I want to be beaten up by this terrible man who eats all the bread and let's me be. I want to be with this terrible man who shouts at me and sets me free.

What an ashlock can you be. What a terrible creature. To leave me like this on a Saturday evening to never try to never cry to never admit to stay to come to hope because it is once only once to stay still it is sometimes twice of course twice it is sometimes false this twice. Do you know how to count? How to mount, how to be? Do you know how to round, how to bounce, how to pee. Do you know how to stay, how to lay, how to knee, do you know how to plead, how to bleed, how to frail.

I suggest we meet again when we are three inside the tree. I suggest we pack again, when we are three inside the tree. I suggest we stay again inside the tree till we are three. I suggest we stay still and we scream till we are three. It is a shame to scream when you are three. It is a lame to be when you are tree. I am in three in three in tree I am in piece in peace in piece.

How far have you saved. How far have you prayed. How far have you laid. How far have you craved. My little tree.

I thought I could hear horses running in my sleep the other night. Two horses running in the street outside. I could hear them clearly, first in synch and then out of synch with each other. Then I realised it was the squeaking bed springs fucking.

I will miss you I know I will miss you so you and fucking ivy and the roof repair and all those things you used to do for me. Before the ladder.

ladder

Now I have a ladder I don't need you anymore I have a tall new metal ladder you can pack your things get in the car and drive away I have a ladder now I am telling you no need for you to stick around I can do it all on my own now the winter and the summer clothes, the climbing ivy, the roof repairing.

fa-ck-s

I will take the piano player and the photographer of the hotel and the groom and the midnight security guy and the computer technician, I will take the pianist and the photographer, I will take them back home if you don’t call me tonight, or email me, or fax me, please, please fax me tonight

You haven’t faxed me for a while. And I call my italian admirer, I text my cretan let’s say best friend my ex best friend my godfather my fake uncle a bit of incest I call all of them, by their name, and they reply. They always reply, unlike you. You never do. You never do do. You never do do do reply. And you never compliment me. I wear breast very many breast tops, I wear this and that and you never compliment me. And you never reply.

pussy is pussy pussy is written like pussy and pussy if pussy is written like pussy and pussy is written like pussy then pussy means pussy and pussy means pussy. Oh, god.

pussy pussier pussiest

mick me baby mick me mick me baby mick my lousy, mousy, bousy, tousy little pussier pussy. Yes, yes, this is it, my pussier pussy darling yes

mick mussy

Did you talk a lot, I asked you. Did you talk more than you normally talk with me. Yes, you said, yes. And did you have lots in common. Did you have more in common than you have with me. Yes, you said, yes. Did you go to concerts, did you go to more concerts than you go with me, yes you said. Did you like sleeping with her, did you like micking her mussy, more than you like it with me. Yes, you said and snuggled inside the bed sheets.

you left last night. You farted, you shat, you burped and you left. You left me with your fart, your shit, your burp. You left me with the sheets smelling of your shit and your burp and your fart, although I aired them all day long. You left and I was left alone.

like

If I try to be like you, and you try to be like me, then you try to be like you. Because I try to be like you, so that you understand me and you try to be like me, so that I understand you. But I try to be like you and you try to be like me trying to be like you, so you try to be like you. But if you don't know exactly what you are and I try to be like you, then I try to be like someone who does not know what they are like.

hello yes yes hello are you here you are you are of course you are but you do not listen nevertheless you do not listen so close you cook for me you wash and you do not listen you always whisper then I drink the purple wine I drink and I keep my eyelids down I drink I drink and nothing happens I hope to make you listen I scream I watch the films you like I watch the films I like I listen I listen why is it so why is it so I wonder why is it so never enough never enough and never ending sometimes augmenting increasing enlarging improving growing growing but not getting better we walked in the cemetery today. You were wearing rotten red no shoes I was not sure where to look were to turn where to took were to learn where to shoot where to earn where to mistook mislook mishook miscook misput mislearn misbook

I finally turned to you are you looking are you there are you hooking are you bare? oh no, no, not now, you said, not again, please, not now. And then I cried and cried. I snuggled in my blanket and that was the end of that relationship.

unland

somehow sometime someday it all ended one day somehow it ended before it ended sometime there was no more someday (it didn't matter which day) what a surprise oh what a surprise there was no surprise oh what a surprise there is no surprise oh what a surprise do I look surprised do I smell surprised do I hear surprised? somehow I managed to shit sometime I managed to vomit someday I managed to split split up with me baby split up everyday is not the same it doesn't matter which day split up baby don't wonder don't worry don't wait I am shitting now yes yes it all comes together one day, they say, it all comes apart. Don't wonder, don't worry, don't wait, I am shitting now, I will be late. It's coming out one by one, first hard, then very hard, like my wished that never demand

my name is tristesse

oh boy boy oh boy yes come to me my name is tristesse I will swim with you all night I will not make you cry I will be gentle subtle kettle I will not slit your heart I will only make you mad come to me boy I will only use scissors I will only dream of vizors I will stay still I will take one pill I stay right I will kiss you all night boy oh boy come to me

Take an orange and cut it in two and squeeze it in my navel
Take an orange and cut it in three and squeeze it in my navel
Take an orange and cut it in four and squeeze in mu navel

enema

come come come come to me boy I will hold your hand I will hold your knee your elbow come to me boy I will hold your hand your breath your kiss your lease your enema I performed an enema the other day to myself yes yes to myself I thought it would make me feel relieved, it only made me feel pain. I performed an enema the other day yes yes to myself like relationships that as well I thought it would make me feel relieved it only made me feel pain

you will come you will not fit in the door I will scream twice you will bring me cheese you will hold your breath you will ask if my teeth are healthy you will not be ready never ready for this I will cry because I never thought I will I never thought I was I never though. Sometimes, of course, I did, but only secretly in my sleep. And somehow we both know. You will come you will not fit the door I will love you forever.

coffin

I had a dream. I dreamt that my dad died. He was far away. When I spoke to him last in the phone he said I miss you so much and I said nothing. In the dream he came with me to buy his coffin. My dad’s coffin, which looked like a birthday cake, had the shame of my mum’s initial ‘K.’ And I was thinking in my dream, this is not a dream, this is not a dream, I will not wake up relieved and crying. Then, the payment for the coffin went trhough, because it was a work day, and my mum called to ask why I had spent £400 for a (death) box. Then, I woke up relieved and crying.

Uma

First you called me Uma. (What does it mean, I do not know.) You held my hand in yours, you looked at me through your thick lenses, that make your eyes look like fish inside the glass, you started dribbling. You dribbled and dribbled for hours. Then you shaved your moustache. It was a thick dark moustache underneath your glasses. You shaved it and your jaw suddeny looked like a jawfish jawline. You cut your upper lip and the mark of blood looked like a beauty spot in a different place. I hated that spot. I knew it was not a real beauty spot, and that it would go away after a while, but I couldn’t help thinking, thank god I did not kiss you, thank god I did not press my lips against yours, against the beauty spot. Now, I think I would throw up if I had kissed you, I would throw up in advance or as an afterthought. I would throw up as an afterthought.

That spot, that spot, on the top of your lip, caused from your clumsy shaving caused me nausea. Your clumsy bloody shaving. You took off your glasses and you never talked to me again. Thank god I did not kiss you, thank god. Then your moustache grew back overnight.

I have a house

I have a house, I have a house with two doors. I have a house with three doors. I have a house with four doors. I have a house.
I have a house with one blanket, two blankets, three blankets. I have a blanket with one door, two doors three doors. I have a belly full of blnakets. I have an ear. I have an ear, two ears, three ears. I have a mouth.
When I open the door, I hear. When I open the blanket, I hear. How much to feel, how much to hear.
I have a house. I have a house with one window, I have a house with two windows, three windows, how much to see. I have a belly. I have a liver.

I have three houses, four doors, five blankets, six or seven ears. How much to hear.

My toe is cold. My hair is cold. My blanket, my ear is cold. My eyebrow is getting cold, my ribs are freezing, my finger is cold my thumb is brizzing.

Feel fall fallen fall felt felt felt felt dry felt dry cold felt there you go with your goats and cows there you go with your wisdoms and crowns

My little toe whispers:
The winter is spring the winter is strong
String strong is my hair white
String strong is my hair why

String strong is my hair blonde
String strong is my hair blind

My belly whispers:
Fell fall fallen fell unlike the rain
Feel fall fallen fell unlike the sun and like the train

My little toe whispers: someone somehow went away
Went to the shop to bye bye bye bye the shop bye bye

My little toe whispers: are you a storyteller are you a story teller
Keep up keep up and stick to it kep up

My fingers touch my fingers touch my fingers touch my fingers I take the string I make a knot are you a storyteller my little toe why are you so short I m a story teller my little toe

My placking tow sighs, my lacking toe lies, my blacking toe flies, my clapping toe cries.

I have one house to cry one house to laugh one bench to lie one bench to lunch one house to try one house to crash one bench to die one bench to last one house to dry one house to brush one bench to die one bench to last

Tim

I wake up in the morning and he is liying on the bed next to me. Tim? I say. Yes, he says, it’s me. Tim, Tim Endkins? NO, no, Etchells, Tim Etchells. He laughs and he makes vulgar jokes and I laugh too, although not sure he is very funny. Then I realise you lie on the other side of the bed. I 've known you for years, so I can talk about love without prohibitions. Would you love me more or less if I did this or that? I would love you they say. Then I realise you are not my boyfriend, you are somebody else’s boyfriend, but we are together. My boyfrined, who doesn’t like to be called a boyfriend, is far away for the time being. So, I tell you, can we not kiss anymore, until my boyfriend comes back? Yes, you say, but, what about Tim? Yes, what about Tim? Oh yes, yes, Tim.

pack off

Pack of pack off you son of a litch pack off
You packing betrayed my feelings you asslock
You pack off you packing asslock you son of a litch you terrible creature
And now I am here loving you with all my part all my part loves you and misses you you asslock you son of a litch you packing terrible creature
Pack off pack off I can’t even talk to my glister anymore I cannot even talk to my blister,
I cannot even talk to my pister anymore, I cannot even talk to my fister

endings

it was my birthday all the people I hated showed up i was angry to spend my birthday with them they brought me a cake in the shape of a violin case i sat on it my mistake the couples wouldn't show up not because they didn't want to but because they were couples the couples wouldn't show up their loss bad for them very bad very very bad

i dreamt that i was forced to be engaged with you you were the one that forced to get engaged to you were the one I hated the one that wouldn't let me breath or speak or cry the one that made me cry you were inside the wardrobe the wardrobe was my heart i shouted and shouted and wanted you out but you were stuck inside my wardrobe

wroclaw

ssss shhhh where is she where is she there she is yes yes there she is is she severe severe is she severe, you shut up shut up you shon of bitch you shon of a bitch
mmm how old are you yes yes how old are you yes yes that's it, tack it in you silly girl tack it in yes that's better that's what you need yes that looks good that looks better
mmm to poulaki sou poulaki sou poulaki sou poso se thelw agaph mou poso mou leipeis poso se skeftomai kathhmerina kathhmerina den yparxei allo kathhmerina
yes yes take it out, yes that's it, empty the folders, one by one, yes, with your hands, yes, your fingers, your beautiful long fingers, empty the folders baby, yes, all of them, take them out, yes, all of them, close now the door, close it baby, with your hand, your fingers, your beautiful fingers, yes, touch the handle, touch the door handle, with your warm palm, yes, that's it, baby, that's it

dandelion clock

in the end of south
i shall meet you again
perhaps
scared again
scarcely
almost scarcely
scarcely
one by one
only one
only
of what
I do not know
without you
I stay
and weep
the last time
in the seashore
in the shore of a sea
in the end of the south
you ahead me
me ahead you
scarcely next to each other
my shoulder
almost reaches you
sometimes
when you lean down
easier
easier
darling
in the hill of hopes
i shall meet you again
somehow
it is all a cliche
me you
looking on the other side
caressing
pretending
we reached the top of the hill
your hill
i kiss
i kiss

pillow

I wake up. I have forgotten my dream. I speak in English. The only thing left to talk about is the envelop.

i had a dream i dreamt you had another girl on the first floor and i was unhappy then i went to buy some vintage clothes and i was happy she was blond, called heather, very nice, I decided we can be friends, but, how could you have another girl? how could you have another gitl on the first floor and leave me on the ground?

thick air

i had a dream i dreamt that my mum was made out of thick air and she had instead of a heart a wound. Every time I said I m not coming back the wound cried and my mum was sad. How often did the wound cry, that I don't know. I only know that when I went back at last my mum was as thin as the air she almost vanished against the wall and it took me some time to find out.

I was wearing leopard trousers, the ones that never fit me, and high heels, pink or red or yellow. Then you texted me. I said I am in Greece now, I am sorry I never made it to your performance, I recorded myself typing this message in the leopard trousers and high heels and sent it to you. And I was very thin, very very thin, you could hardly see me and I had a wound instead of a heart.

i went to buy this necklace it was a shop three steps off the ground a very small shop that you could enter from both sides. Then the woman went on a trip. It was a leisure trip with a boat. And the boat sank. It didnt sink straight away, it suffered a little and then it sank. And I couldn't believe that she was gone dead lost drown. The woman from the shop where I bought the necklace, the boat which was three steps off the ground and had two entrances. And I cried and cried.

πού πήγε το πουλάκι μου? πού πήγε το πουλάκι μου?

you hadn't called me for a while. I was cycling to the market to buy a clay pot for my gardenia. Then I saw the truck. I saw it in front of me, it was big, and tall, like a truck. And I thought, what if I crashed on it what if I crashed with my bike and fell on the road, and I was conscious enough still to call you and say I had a truck accident on the way to the gardenia clay pot shop. Your voice would be worried but calm and soft and you will try to comfort my feelings. The ambulance will arrive and the nurse will talk to you on the phone and say my condition is crucial and you have to talk to me for a while, so that I don't lose my senses. Because, if I lose my senses, my condition will be crucial. The nurse will be very strict and say: under no condition should you stop talking to me with your soft and calm, but worried voice, your soft and calm voice. And, I will listen to you, happy and calm, for a while.

you said you couldn't hold it you couldn't hold it and you travelled to crete to see him and you pucked like mad like animals and his penis inserted your vagina the same penis that inserted mine you couldn't hold it you pucked like mad and now he is holding me and you are lying next to me in the bed and I want to die

the clock and the cock

how wonderful how wonderfully wonderful
to wake up next to you this morning
to think I wake up next to you
to think next to you this morning
to think I wake up this morning

i say wake up the clock is clocking
the clock is clocking dear how wonderful

you say no no i have my own clock
and it is not yet clocking it is not yet

how wonderful how wonderfully wonderful
to wake up how wonderful

two clocks clocking
two clocks out of synch clocking

letter from BB about a feather always already lost

it's ok the chicken has landed

it's ok it's ok it's ok
The chicken has landed
he left on 22nd May and arrived just today
I think he's been through some ordeal with the Royal Post
His packaging was broken
and as the post man slipped him through my little box this morning
I caught him in my arms

I looked out of the window
a trail of his yellow feathers were sprinkled up the street
and i gasped
I gasped
ah!

i was not expecting him
but i caught him in my arms and a little tear dropped to the floor
i mopped it up with a little towel and opened my package
a book
3 images
a scroll of writing

it's ok it's ok it's ok
but the chicken, only two of his feathers remain
i gasped!
I think the post man was smiling,
I asked him about my chicken and he said
something about a wondrous beginning

(in a low, slow, manly voice)
yes yes that's it, take it out, yes that's it, empty the folders, one by one, yes, with your hands, yes, your fingers, your beautiful long fingers, empty the folders baby, yes, all of them, take them out, yes, all of them, close now the door, close it baby, with your hand, your fingers, your beautiful fingers, yes, touch the handle, touch the door handle, with your warm palm, yes, that's it, baby, that's it

why didn't you appear before? What do you mean before? Why didn't I appear before?
Because I was kissing someone else, I was lying in bed ill, I was waiting for the knock on the door. Because I was waiting for the sauce to firm, because I was not sure I believed in you or me or anything at all because it is always too late anyway. Because in order to appear you need to disappear and I am scared of that, because before is now, now, and after, afterwards, before is afterwards and after a while. Because I was old and ill dying in my death bed, because the zip was stuck and I suffered from scabies, because I had only one leg, one arm, one eye, because my hair was not long enough, because I was still trying to stick the pieces back together, because it was not long ago, because, somehow, I knew and I waited for you to ask the question.

before what? Before I can reach you, before 11 o' clock, before it's too late, before the clock strikes, beforehand, before I die, before you come back, before you remember, before I shrink in my bed and can't reach the key, before my hair turns white, before the end, before the beginning, before it gets too cold or too dark before you know it, before midnight, before before.

I opened my pussy pocket and found inside an autumn leave. My hair waved at me. This is your day, this is your day, they said. They looked lonely and kind of sad.

this story this first story about this other story there is a story in the story
she lives on the ground floor she eats every afternoon she eats and then throws up
it is really hard to say it is so very hard
this story this great story this very first story
she eats in the afternoon and then waits until the next day in the afternoon to eat again
i do find it hard sometimes
the story has now reached its middle it starts from the middle it is a middle story
every afternoon counts the hours down for the next afternoon, she always eats very little so that she can stay up and count down
of course I could just make it up make it up I wouldn't need to say the truth or stick to the facts of course
in medias res this is how it started from the middle to the end and then to the middle again
13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20
of course I wouldn't mind lying to you I wouldn't mind lying to anyone in fact to my close friends, to my neighbors, to my siblings
21, 22, 23, 24, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
this is a story that keeps going to does not have an end, because by the time the afternoon will come she has to wait for the next one and so on and on
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11,
yes yes yes its nearly there its nearly the end I don't mind I can make it up yes baby make it up make it up she lives on the ground floors and she counts the hours to the end
this story begins by repeating itself. Its first time take place many times, amongst which one is the last.

how dare you how dare you how did you do it how did you do it how dare you/look at me have a great look at me have you ever seen this have you ever seen that what so wrong with you look at me sooo good yes yes yes sooo good, soo good I cannot resist I cannot say or stay, look at me have a great good look at me sooo unbielivably undeniably good yes yes

by Daphne Twiesselmann

Once upon the time, a beautiful fairy organised a wondrous party to celebrate her birthday. People from various lands and horizons were invited and the castle that marked the end of the last mile was soon filled with minstrels, troubadours, fabulous performance artists, talented cooks, two spey wives, a giant, a wizard, and the good twin sister of Medusa. As the evening reached its momentum, the fairy princess fell into a trance and all who were present came to live one of those great shamanic experiences that one does not forget. Many were transfixed, a few were prompted to extrovert to the extreme, they all spoke in tongues and danced to unknown rhythms till the sun rose on a new day and appeased at last the minds of those transformed children...

my new performance title work in progress

this is what I wrote for my friend Owen's performance on Saturday

This is a rhapsodic story. And it starts with a tongue in a field of rose petals. Its fragments invite you to let go of the handbrake and follow its sloppy paths. It is a story about a small trolley, on top of which there is a man sitting. A man who cries shit, who doesn’t bother to finish you off, who hopes that something will eventually occur, last or somehow end: Let’s start something! Come on! Let’s start something now, he says. A man who likes surfaces: a smelly carpet, a porcelain vase, a wallpaper with rose petals.
Sometimes, he rubs himself against them.

I’ll just be standing. I’ll just be here, he says. And his legs do not reach the ground. Lick my juice, lick my cunt, he says, and he remains unmoved, on his little table trolley. This is a rhapsodic story, in the literal sense of the word, the word ‘rhaptein,’ which means stitch or sew together. It is a sewn story. Random images come together: A funfair party, the boy who jumps in his stripy pants, who jumps up and down, the curly-hair boy. Two bare legs, which do not touch the ground. Keep your feet on the ground. A crazy dance in a hoodie, a boy in a plastic bag who hands in the microphone. These are the images I recall. And there is something about their randomness that makes them last and last longer. Lick my juice, lick my cunt, come on, you know what you like, he says.

Despite its fragmented nature, the performed text acquires almost immediately a context. The specificity of detail, although we don’t know precisely what the situation is, or what it refers to, draws me closer to the story and rubs me against its surface. The man on the little trolley, with his feet on the air, his bare legs wide open, in front of us, remains still. We know he can walk, we have seen him walking before, he is not incapable of walking. Yet, he remains still. Anyone, at any moment could push him off the trolley with the little wheels. Yet, he does not seem defenseless. His vulnerability is a forceful one, exposed in our eyes with a violent helplessness. Something about that stillness makes me wonder whether he chooses to be still, or he has no choice, like Winnie, perhaps, stuck up to her waist in a mound.

What is the worst thing I could tell you today? Suck on my big titty nipples. Mother fucker...oh yeah…give it to me…oh yes. To me. Me too, never again…lets just do it, he says. Horny, lustful, yet at the same time deeply sentimental, the text refers to a love story that you long to be part of. Soon you realize that this could be any story, any love story that has ever existed, any love story that involves a man sitting on a little trolley, a tongue in a valley, an evening sunset, a funfair, a dance.

What is the colour of the thread and its texture. How to stitch the fragments together. How to take them apart. Or is it important.

Do you know what a medal is or a trophy, he says. I let go of the handbrake. I am there too. This is my small trolley. I put on the leather jacket, my medal trophy and I start rolling down the slope. My little trolley takes me to the room with the small bed that he talks about, where it is easier to wake up in the morning, to the place where the branches and the leaves and the fruit are pissing over my legs this time.
This is why I never keep my legs on the ground.
Now, I wonder what you think of me. If you like me. If I am ok.
The light will come on soon. It is quite simple.
And I am standing. I am there.
My medal or trophy commemorates that event, the event of being there, of not keeping my feet on the ground, of being pissed, splashed, spanked and shat. And I am still there, standing, with my feet off the ground.

May 2009

i am this man I am this man with the hunch the hunch over the glass the hunch as small as a cloud I am this man that holds your fingers about to break they do not move do not move slow as the sand do you hear me I am this man I roll up my collar I roll up and I crawl towards you your broken fingers touch me for the first time too close I cannot breathe

i loved you and loved you and touched you with my oven hands and saw you leaning on another's arms. You leaned and you forced my oven hands oven little oven baked hands you leaned on another's arms and you made them frozen now frozen

He put his right hand on the edge of my seat. I looked at it before sitting down. He looked at it too. But he didn't move. His right hand was purposefully placed on the edge of my seat. So I sat. I sat and the edge of my bottom touched the edge of his hand. And each time we'd encounter a red light or a quick turn or a zebra crossing or a bicycle, a random animal, a car accident, the riot police, Hare Krishna or a group of marathon runners, my bottom would press on his warm hand and each time his hand was warmer and the pressure against it more and more. Then he handed me a post-it. I think I am your uncle, he said. He looked at me in the eyes and we knew straight away. The next day he moved in.

neuf

I feel lethargic in my new house everything is far away from everything that existed before you are coming to visit and there are two birds flying on my ceiling

you called from the airplaine. My phone was growing inside the seaweed and I was liying on the road painting my hands blue, yellow and white waiting for someone to offer me a job (in the film industry). You called from the airplane. You sounded far. You were. You were in the air. You sounded strange. You said you are with  a girl. I said, yes, I know, with that girl of yours. You paused. I said, don't pause. Then I paused. I asked: is she your girl? You said yes. I dropped the phone in the seaweed.  

(andrew James Jones)

I hate those girls, those girls that first become friends with the boy, the boy I like, they first become friends, very close friends, they pretend it never crossed their mind, nothing beyond friendship. Then, one night, when they are friends and he cooks mackerel and mash and green lentils, the same night that he crushes a whole nutmeg, they read a book or they do something else, they lie on the familiar blanket. Then, accidently, extremely accidently it happens. They are not friends anymore and it has never crossed their mind. And of course, he cannot live without them anymore and he loves them more and more, more and more each day, and this is how he is trapped forever. I hate those girls.

hotel voulez-vous

so, you said you wouldn't have me, because you didn't know me that well, because you had met me only once. You wouldn't have me home, because it was too far away, because you were not sure. And I couldn't bear the feeling of you thinking of me as one of them, one of those women who car and crash and home and feed and stay. I couldn't bear thinking you might feel I wanted to car and crash and stay. So, I came back to yours one night, the night of the mackerel and mash, going to be simple, the night of the green lentils, when you crushed a whole nutmeg. I had never seen anyone crushing a whole nutmeg before. Your ribs were broken and you were hurting. I wanted to hitch-hike to come quicker, the dog was barking, my anorak was too small and I had no knickers on. You opened the door and said 'Tack your belly in', you said 'tack your belly in, silly girl, yes, yes, that's right, that's better, that's what you need'.

We lied down and fell asleep, you liked to sleep with strangers, one, two or more it depends on the time.

that is all it takes, one small word, made by two others. One small word, sweetheart.

(image: andrew james jones)

the mustache

those dark and hard and terrible holes underneath my nose that multiply and those hair, rare and not in a sequence, I live in a dead end my mustache

late

something inside my pants punching me trying to get out, something inside my white wide pants boxing me, and trying to get out, something inside my wild white wide pants punching me and trying to get out, something inside my wild white wide tight slight sight allright stoplight upright pants punching me and trying to get out late at night, just before I fall asleep.

endings

I am crying. I am unsure. I am unsure, confused and crying. I have a simple way of loving. I say: I will never hide anything from you. I will tell you when I feel bad. I will tell you when I feel good. I will not believe in the way love works in films. I will never flirt with your relatives. Or your close friends. I will look at your eyes, I will love your belly, I will cry secretly, when you will not watch, I will cook for you cousoucs with cashew nuts and marinated peppers.
I am crying. I am unsure. I spend hours thinking of the things you said. The things you meant. The things you meant to say. You put your arm around my waist. I can see the top of your head. I kiss it. It is easter and there are fireworks. And I am alone. Writing to you, as if everything will resolve itself. As if everything never happened. I think of the day that you will visit me in Lockheart Street. You will come and say hello. I will make some tea. We will sit and comment on the small cat door, on the fact that we have one, but no cat to jump through it. We will sit on the kitchen bench, a little uncomfortable. You will be charmed, again, by my flatmate, the violinist, violinists always charm you, and I will say to myself, I wish I'd play the violin. Then we will go to the garden. It is a small cement patio really, and not a garden. But we call it a garden. A back garden. Because we also have a front one. Which is not really a garden, it is more of a patch of green, but we call it a garden. We will sit in the garden and we will smoke, although we have both quit, for different reasons. We will smoke and I will tell you about how I like the sentences that begin with endings. The endings of the previous sentences. And you will say how you like small sentences. Sentences without verbs. Sentences punctuated by laughing. Then I will think of the violinist that charmed you, you will understand and you will laugh. Then I will think of all those people that once liked me and they don't anymore. Because they know only the one perspective. Because for them there seems to be only one perspective. We will finish our cigarettes, look at each other and at the cement patio, which is our back garden. And then we will both know. You will bring your things in the next day. You will only have two suitcases and a tambourin. I will love the tambourin. In the night, before going to bed, you will whisper stories to me and play the tambourin. Then we will zip up the suitcases and fall asleep.

Am I this spiteful woman? This monstrous woman that does not look at you, that does not glance at you not even once. You try to kiss me in the lips, no lip kissing today. If I kiss you it means, yes, I am yours. Even when I am not. If I kiss you, you kiss me back and, yes, I am yours. If I say no, you like it. If I say yes, you kiss me and then you stop. 

Immediately regretted not coming out. My ribs are broken and my thumb swollen. And I forget the word. I forget the bloody word. I take the stethoscope and I hear my broken ribs. I hear them and they say something. I hear more closely. Then I cannot hear at all.  

the wheel and the willy

he was sitting next to me in the train. He had receding hair and was wearing a traincoat. I rubbed my willy with my thumb and he looked at me. He looked at me and my willy and the thumb. I rubbed my willy again. Then the light went of. When it turned on he was rubbing his willy in the dark. I stared at him. His thumb was swollen and bloody. Bloody thumb. I got off the train. He followed. He wanted to let me go first, ladies first, but I stared ahead. Then I lost him in the crowd. 

I wake up my mouth is dry

my elbow is dry

my shoulder is dry

my pussy is dry

Who wins in this game and who comes first?

chaque jour envie

d' être un jour en vie

non certes sans regret

un jour d' être né

SM

imagine si ceci

un jour ceci

un beau jour

imagine

si un jour

un beau jour ceci

cessait

imagine

SM

You will say I am shy and no one will believe you. Because from time to time you flash your breasts to strangers, you give your phone number to lesbian girls, you wear fur with sport shoes, you shout at the boys with the water balloons and the little knifes. You will say I am shy, and no one will believe you, because you create all this fictional narratives and you present them as real, because you forget the names and star signs of your ex's, you say I am lonely and you laugh. Until the day that you are really shy and you have said it so many times that no one believes you anyway. And you burn in the fire, screaming. 

Wife is coming tomorrow. It is the last night you sleep alone. How many nights have you written I love you and good night? How many I miss

tonight, before I sleep, I will think of you. I will think of the time you kissed me as if saying I will be here tomorrow to hold you and caress you and love you and stay and look at no other woman, apart from our friends, and cook couscous for you with cashew nuts and keep the tops of the peppers and put them in olive oil and wine vinegar to marinate. And I will wake up in the morning, you will say, and I will not mind that I will have woken up in the morning with so many others before, because now it will be just you and me and the cashew nuts and the marinated peppers and no one else. No one else in the world. 

You know, I 've been meaning to call you. I 've been meaning to call you and tell you how much I miss you. I 've been meaning to call you and hug you and caress you all night. I've been meaning to spend with you a lifetime. I have, I 've been meaning to stay in the dark, after you sleep and caress your shoulders, and your forehead, which is warm during the night, it is warm, the heating on five. I've been meaning to tell you how sorry I am for saying I cannot get attached to anyone at this point in my life, to say it is ok that we are not alone, because I know how distressed you get when it is just the two of us. I have been meaning to call you, you will say, but you will never do.

When I go to the theatre, I sit next to a young man. He is usually young and a man. I say hello, he stares at me. I say hello again. Then I ask him his age. He says 22, where he is from, Polland, what he does, he studies relational linguistics in Reading. Then I ask him if he is single. He says no. Then I say that I get scared in the dark. And if I could hold his hand in the dark. He says yes, I can, he hesitates. When the performance begins, I wait until the third scene, when it is a living room play, until I touch his hand. I usually touch it in the third scene, the very end of it, when it is finally dark, these things happen in the theatre. The third scene, because it is not too late or too early, you still have time to cuddle and hug if it works, and it is not so early, if it ends up being embarrassing. I do, I do an embarrassing thing every time. I ask him, after a while, if he wants to see my breasts. If he wants to touch them. He looks at me and laughs. He laughs as if he waited for it to happen. He then answers. He says no. Then we become friends.

you had a little mountain on the left of your eye I climbed on it, I did a pic-nic, I planted a tree. I stayed there, I watered it. I fed it. I gave it my finger to eat and my thumb to suck till you are not hungry

John! John!

Why, John, why? Why did you never thought of me? You never thought of my little heart, my little porcelain heart? Why, John? Why did you throw it away, you broke it in pieces and you tried to glue it afterwards, in vain?

John, John, you made me want and want and want. 

You whispered in my ear, you hugged when I was sleeping, you said you missed me. You said you like me somehow, how, John, how? You cried in my sleep, you dreamt of me. You came and came and came, John, you waited for me.

Why John? And I believed you, I believed everything you said. And then, I saw you, I saw you, John. I saw you hugging the others, I saw you telling them you missed them and you made them want and want and want, and they believed you.  

didn't care? didn't care? didn't care?

my feelings didn't care? my little heart didn't care?

my little heart didn't care?

I love you 

I love you

didn't care

you touched all the girls with the long hair and the fat lips

you touched them right after you touched me

didn't care

didn't care

you touched my mother

didn't care

you touched my father

didn't care

you touched my sister

didn't care

you touched the girls with the purple dresses

the girls with the short hair, the short hair, the short hair

then you touched me

didn't care

didn't care

Are you George? This is Helena

she looks at me her belly is big

No, I am not.

George or Helena?

Helena, no, I am not George.

Is it Helena, right?

Her belly grows bigger while I am asking

I know it is not, it is not Helena, then what is it?

It is Helen, she says, and gives birth immediately. 

one of these days I am one of these days I will one of these days to burst out laughing to die and die one of these days to melt and cry and tear apart I learnt so far with you to love and be and stay - for, only you stood still, and cut my hair and waved, for, only you stood there

love and kisses to the wonder you are to me (and well done)

three

I dreamt I had an affair with triplets

one of them hugged me

the other shagged me

the other mugged me

the other loved me

one of them kissed me

the other bit me

the other whipped me

the other missed me

I dreamt I had an affair with triplets

one of them fed me

the other led me

the other lent me

one of them cried

the other night

the other died

porto

Licking,

Licking, sucking
Licking sucking fucking licking
Licking sucking fucking fisting licking
Licking sucking fucking fisting fucking licking
Licking sucking fucking fisting fucking sucking licking

day

He is there and he is there and I love him love him love him and he is there he is htere and I love him love him loe him and he is there his there and I love him love him love him and he is there he is there and i love him love him love him. 

We did not fuck at the end, because during the day he was wearing a hat that didnt suit him and I was wearing these huge sun glasses that he asked me to take off and I didn’t.

too

He had this curly hair too long to call them short too short to call them long too long to have them loose too short to tight them up too soft to straighten them up too dark to bring them up
I went to his house he had a view to the old city. I like views.
It was too soon to fuck and too late to sleep.
He hold me and hold me and I was only wearing tights no pants and he pushed his dick against my thighs and I was only wearing tights no pants and he pushed his head against my thighs and I was wearing tights tights no pants and he pressed his chin against my thighs and I cried and cried

can you

can you please, can you please keep going?
one more minute one more minute? please, please,
keep going! But the bus is coming, my sister is looking for me.
Please, please keep going. What about the water, what about the water.
Don't worry about the water, I have my scurf, please, keep going.
The bus is here, the bus has come, please, keep going.
My sister is looking for me, the water is here, the water is gone.
My sister is gone, my sister is here, please, keep going.
The bus is gone, the water is here, please, keep going.

piss pass posh

Are you pissed? are you passed? are you posh?
Are you least? are you last? are you lost?

Are you fish? Are you fussed? Are you rosh?
Are you kiss? Are you sass? Are you joss?

Tell me you love me, tell me you love me, tell me you do.
Tell me you have me, tell me you fart me, tell me you do.

Tell me you'll have me, tell me you'll sort me, tell me you'll feed me,
tell me you do.
Tell me you'll beat me, tell me you'll whip me, tell me you'll kill me,
tell me you do

And if you do, my dear you, if only, if, you do,
I'll be kind, I'll be blind, I'll be sigh, I'll be through.

And if you do, oh dear, you, if, oh, you do,
I'll be nice, I'll be bright, I'll be there for you.

sore

my back hurts
my back aches
my back pains

my heart hurts
my heart aches
my heart pains

my ass hurts
my ass aches
my ass pains

my far hurts
my far aches
my far pains

listed

you listed the options last night, and you forgot one, you listed the options and you forgot one. You forgot one, the number one, you said we can do this and that, you listed the options and you forgot one, the one, the option to love me and not to love, to care and not to care, you forgot one, the option to be where.
Rule it out baby, rule it out! You listed the options and you forgot one, the one. You woke up and you were sad.

recede

I am sitting here I think of you and I am farting I think of the way you frown when you think and when you are caressed the same frown
I wonder why, because your thoughts are like caress or my caress is like your thoughts 
you made me say 'and sometimes' so many times that lost it and looking for it everywhere
No time to explain the title, no time to send you a mail by post, one of those I like, one of those I think of as too emotional, but I send nevertheless
I have three options

I can send it now, I can pretend I am sending it or I can pretend I sent it and it got lost. Like sometimes.

I fart again, and you don't like it. You said, I am nice, minus farting.
Then you say something else, very nice, I cannot recall. What if it is unbearable? What if it is unbearable that it is not unbearable, this parting?
U come out?
I hear you laughing 
Then you say something else, very nice, I cannot recall.
The night of the cabaret, you like coal shirts. You come back with me.
And your hair everywhere.
You say, friendly looking face, receding hair. This is the first time I hear the word. Receding.
That moment recedes infinitely.
Then you say something else, very nice, I cannot recall.
You stroke my hair. The light is light and we never kiss.

a little story about a little story that happened or never happened

He exploded like a bomb long forgotten after a war in a field, a battle field perhaps, on my beautiful mattress folded, carefully folded  because had it not been so, it made me feel lonely, too much space for one single person

he exploded like a bomb on my carefully placed pillows, the monochrome one, yellow, the flowery one, the one with the repetitive pattern. He exploded and when I complaint he shoved one up my mouth, the yellow one. And when i complaint he shoved up another one, the flowery one, in my little bird, bird as in little bird, as in my case, long forgotten, after a war in a battle field. And when I complaint he shoved up one more, the one with the repetitive pattern.

Now, with the yellow pillow in my mouth and the flowery one and the one with the repetitive pattern in my bird, I exploded and cried and laughed like a bomb long forgotten on a carefully folded mattress, folded, because had in not been so, it made me feel lonely too much space for one single person.

don't smile, my mum will be sed, don't smile

'Don't smile, my mum will be sed, don't smile,' she said.
'Sorry, I'm so sorry. I was a work.' I knew it straightaway.
'Apologize for this, but I understand is Wednesday.'
I recognised that haircut, it is one of those that you can leave your hair loose only if it's freshly washed.
When you've worked nine hours and taken two trains,
because the fringe is so short,
it looks so bad you have to wear your hair elsewhere
and pull it back.
'Don't smile, my mum will be sed,' she said talking on the phone, 'don't smile.'
I knew she had worked nine hours and taken three trains, her forehead shiny her lips parted her eyes heavy.
'Don't smile,' she said, 'don't smile.'

the end (fade slowly)

he is sitting on the table wearing those transparent glasses the glasses that pretend not to be glasses but they are he is sitting wearing a ring what ring which ring sitting in his ring turning the page he prefers to use the ring finger it makes more sense, yes, he places his hand on top of the page on top of the page

so that he sees he sees the ring and never forgets he sees it there to shine he frowns and wonders where his woman is he writes and turns and writes he hopes his wife will finally come lost in his ring of pools lost in his wedding wedding dream or river or sleep or full what a fool I was what I fool I am to believe that there will for me too what a fool I frown i smile and frown what a full there is noone here for me no ring no finger to turn the page no finger to wait and wait there is no big clue no big mouth to say that to say 

don't shout you will never know you will never know, that i was waiting there alone and heard you laugh and smile i heard you smile because of course i thought you laugh for me for something i said but then again i was not there so how could that be

for ingemar who loves his wife more than I would ever do

little

it is sometimes so strange, it is sometimes so hard
to love and be and pee and last
to be and pee and last
it is so strange and hard
to be and pee and last
so now
not now not now
it is sometimes so strange and hard
and strange and hard not now
it is when time has come
to say goodbye out loud
to say goodbye and hear you say
to say it is it is
to say goodbye sometimes it's strange
to stay and say and pee
goodbye my love
goodbye my love
it is so hard to say
it is so hard
i will never dream
i will never sleep or claim

popopo

popopo
that is a sound
popopo
that is a cloud
popopo
that is a bound
popopo
that is a noun
it is a noun a great noun a noun to drink to spit to have and kiss and blow
it is a noun to blow and drink and spit and have and have and blow
it is a noun to whisper
a noun to hold
a noun to love
a beautiful noun
popopo
it is a cloud
popopo
it is a pound
popopo
it is a found
popopo
it is a round
popopo
it is a crowd
popopo
it is a proud
popopo
it is a cloud
which cloud? what cloud?
it is a cloud to whisper, a cloud to hold, a cloud to throw, a cloud to hold
it is a cloud to mirror, a cloud to warm, a cloud to sponsor, a cloud to whole

please

please, spit on me, darling, please
I beg you
If you love me
if you care about me
please
please darling spit spit hard spit on me
I beg you
you are the one and only I swear
I swear, darling
once, I had you in my hands I had you
I had you on my hands and
and
and, little darling,
I spat on you
because I loved you, because,
some times in your life, you have to take that big decision
and spit on the one you love
and, little darling,
you were drowning
you were drowning in my spit
and you were drowning and I didn't help you
I didn't help you
because, sometimes in your life you have to take the big decision and spit on someone
you have to, little darling
yes