-

I am not a convenience 

-

The only thing I didn’t eat in Mexico is Mexican dick 

-

Another day, another yeast infection 

-

Another day, another yeast infection 

-

You seem soaked. I hope it’s honey.

-

You are soaked. I hope it’s honey.

No more pain.

Live a little.

-

Taking my nappy/hot water bottle everywhere I go/to all parties. It’s a great conversation piece.

-

What is it all, but words.

-

I’m not your release container, but I can absolutely be mine.

-

I’m your despicable fantasy and you’ll love me and then reject me in the same breath 

-

Someone rejected me the other day without getting to know me. I always assumed people will reject me after getting to know me, because of who I am

-

I always assumed I’ll be rejected for who I am. 

-

Even dreaming can be grim sometimes 

-

Even dreaming can be grim sometimes 

-

So lonely I contemplated for a moment dating my stalker

-

I cut a hole in my pocket so I can console myself in her loneliness. 

Yes

Only with one leg I will win this battle 

If

I keep living here I’m gonna lose it 

Stop telling me I

Need to apply shit on my body 

I

Forgot the sunscreen 

-

Just bought a new blanket and I hate myself 

-

I will only bomb  the area around your genitals

-

Are we competing on sadness 

-

Not sure if I should feel flattered or scared. 

Ddd

Didn’t know I had to entitle my life 

My partner is telling me these incredible stories from his childhood and all I can think about is: I need to go pee, but my tummy is so bloated I’m seriously ashamed to cross the length of the restaurant to go to the toileta.

A king size kinder bueno caught my eye. I have to fart before boarding.

Come on and rip me now 

Not so devastated by the other consequences, the other, other consequences, left with a bit of grief . 

Monogamy makes me ugly. My skin looks dull and my heart is exhausted. 

A student of mine cried on Zoom. The baby fell on its face under my watch. I put off baking a red cabbage tart and violated my own boundaries.

My tummy is hurting. Too much dating. 

Dad gave 27.000 euros to the plumber who subsequently died. Dad never got back the money. The plumber’s wife is in a coma.

I dreamt that someone really loved me. It was just a feeling.

I flirt with Jamal, the sick phlegm volunteering and he starts vommiting Frankfurt sausages in the middle of the street. 

I’m on a date and keep burping sardines in tomato juice.

The only thing that actually gets me out of bed is the desire to weigh my self hoping I’ve lost some weight. 

I’m carrying a set of bricks on my back all the time. No, on wheels. They are perfectly placed so that I can actually see myself through on the other side. The wholes are symmetrical and beautiful. Nothing superfluous here. I could, if I wanted, encourage liquid through the holes and let it stand there until solid. If then use the solidified liquid to support myself, my skeletal lines, horizontal alignments. 

Every bone in my body feels Like a concrete block suspended from the ceiling. My muscles are rows of steel punctuated by chunks of chunks

He is very smart, very cute and he loves sticking a finger up my ass.

I admire people so much that can eat one crisp at a time.

I have no idea if you are a distraction or the whole fucking point.

So sloppy! Throwing drugs in the middle of the pub floor
so sloppy!
taking bumps outside a Bengali estate agency
so sloppy
not hiding anything
being yourself
not wanting to meet anyone else and only
hang out with Kurtis
But you are non-monogamous!
prove it! Fuck other men! Go out! be sloppy!
Throw yourself at Antony the bounce man.
What if he doesn't want to meet anyone else either for a while?
Don't kid yourself.

BRING IN THE BOY!
BRING IN THE BOY!
DON'T STAND STILL!
IT WILL HURT
IT WILL STINK
IT WILL BURN

BRING IN ANOTHER BOY
ADMIT DEFEAT
COVER IT UP
COVER IT UP NOW
FIND SOMEONE WITH GORGEOUS LIPS
AND FORGET ABOUT HIM

DOWNLOAD TINFER THE MOMENT YOU LAND

I have a terrible cold and I am determined to destroy other people's selfies. I secretly appear in the background sneezing, spitting or blowing my nose.

What's the first word you said as a child? Μπριτζολα. What does that mean? Steak - medium rare.

My aim this summer is to appear blowing my fat, swollen nose in as many people's selfies as I can master.

If you took care of yourself like you take care of the plumping, life would be different.

He pointed at two fingers hanging from the side platter and said: the fingers are decaffeinated/ gluten free.


I have this urge to text him, one year later, and ask: what did you mean you couldn't give me what I wanted? What did I want?

I mean, I might as well learn something from all this debacle.

Knowing what the secret is, and they know it because they are it.

You didn't know he broke up with me. He broke up via email while I was at the beach drinking beer. I even opened a bond in case his son wanted to move in with us. But there was no real space for his TV in my dream. So, better we split up, I guess.

When mum asked if I'm in a long-term relationship, I got a fever for three days.

cock travellers to me nonetheless.
Despite fractured thing, looking at myself from a different angle changes everything. Wow. What a discovery. You also have to use ear plugs when doing that.

FRACTURED FOOT + FEVER = BED BOUND + NO COCK

what time are you leaving so I know I come back.

I fractured my foot that summer and dad kept saying: my daughter has a limp and keeps running after this boy we don't know. So, I had to introduce my summer fling. Mum asked, while we were all getting drunk: So, when are you moving to London? I said: we are getting married in autumn.

We forgot a melon in the car-boot for a week. it stank and left stains on all our swimming suits.

Mum says: I know I'm your muse.

I haven't fucked Nick and I always wondered why. I'm kind of proud there is one man I haven't fucked and I supposes I should keep it that way.

My parents' foreplay consists in mum saying: I am going to wash my ass and dad asking: why, is there dried shit stuck on it.

Masterpiece Ruins
Last book he was ever reading was something to do with Europe's Ruins. Then he went into a coma.

Am I a total bully? I always shout at my mum with every excuse.

Raw evidence. Simon was lovely in Wroclaw. Then he came back to London and became a dick. Only texted me when he was horny or jet lagged and then he blocked me.

I broke your doorbell cause you wouldn't let me in. And then found a sex cinema ticket on your table. I'm 38 and I pee in my pants every time I sneeze.

No presumptions. Just sex.

Don't want to pressure anything. Just want to fuck you.

Give me more, but not too much, I can't handle it.

Are you Maria Walnut or Maria Walnut? I saw your biopsy. There was no cancer on your walnut. Kaput.
It doesn't go in.
I don't approve of you taking care of other men.

I'll give him my sea towel I just thought about it even if my mum objects cause deep inside is everything fine and I'm grateful for all the comings and goings all the people in my life all the flamboyancy all the love
cause I'm made of love and appetite.
I'm not one thing. Im not a slut.
I'm a slug. I'm a big slug sluggishly roaming around looking for food inside of me and in other people I want to exist because of and despite of everything.

I want to say nothing. Only that I’m here with no bones, no contentions, no nothings, I’m here, I feel, I walk. I’m only worried about the very small kids on the tiny bikes. I’m worried that I’ll never be able to be as alive as when pushing a small head out of my vagina. Or C section. I’m worried that my existence means nothing to no one. If you are reading this, text me with the word: RIPE. 07845046726 

I just need to exist within a spectrum of seriousness and frivolity.

Do you have a thing for noses? Yeah, I like big noses! No, I mean, do you have a tissue? 

When I stopped drinking alcohol for a month cause I almost blinded myself when drunk, the first glass of wine I had afterwards was a really expensive red from France. 

When I stopped eating for a week doing a liquid cleansing, the first thing I ate was an expired quorn sausage left outside the fridge for a while.

Now I’ve stopped dating and having sex for a few weeks, detoxing. I wonder what will happen next. 

www.spitspatspat.blogspot.com

That’s it you’ve got it, that’s a single page a single page just move on move on that’s a single page move on you’ve got it

Oh no you’re right, there was another page 

When I close my eyes, my pussy is itchy 

There is no difference! 

There is a difference!

No there is no difference!

Yes, there is a difference!

No, there is not difference! 

There is a difference!

No, there is no difference!

Yes, there is a difference between Scottish and Irish accent!!!

.......

There’s no difference.

I’m looking at this scene from below. I’m lying on the floor or on a sofa bed. There is a cis gender man kind of cute that gets increasingly upset, because a girl who is a friend of mine, insists that there is no difference between Irish and Scottish accent. She is half English half foreign and she is trying to convince him to do the difference in accent. I feel bad because it seems like I may have brought these two people together. 

His life is sufficient unto itself

Love will kill everything

unlike itself 

it blows it into the nothingness that 

it is

(my new tattoo)

I don’t have to listen to anyone, not even myself! 

What did you say?

A child runs the length of the floor of a Costa coffee inside a Next Home shop inside a shopping centre in Barking. The child falls on the floor and smashes his face. The first memory he has in this tender age is me laughing at his smashed face. The first memory he has in this tender age is my loud laughter that echoes on the massive windows of the cafe, beyond the metal hydraulic panels of parcel force, beyond the pine trees of Barking forest. The dog is barking, I’m laughing , the mother of the child is crying. The barista has had enough, she comes and smacks me over the face. I laugh louder and louder, I’m so happy and held in this tender age, my first memory of laughter. 

Another baby is sitting next to me. She has more hairs than any baby should have at this age. Her eyes are massive and stuck on the sides of her head. This is not a baby. This is our bright future. Our brightest of our bright future. And I treasure it forever. 

I dreamt I put my hand inside a giant angry dog’s mouth. It felt nice and warm and the dog curled all around my body and warmed me up. Then I found a letter in his collar saying don’t hug me I’ve got contagious flees

Watching this movie where four old men have sex with a young girl. I can’t decide who I identify more with the young girl or the old men 

It is a key week

A kiwi?

A key wee

A kiwi?

A ki-wee?

A kiwi?

Everyone says it’s a kiwi.

So I learnt last night you’ve been flirting with every single girl around us. The fatties and the uglies and the redheads and the drunks. I dreamt we were going to shoot a water porn in a lake. Lucy McCormack and Lauren Barri Holstein were there.

400 criminals have sneaked back into my heart and need to be convicted and not tolerated and deal with the law. I mean, as a country, I’m learning about what abuse means for the non-convicted. I’m not denying food to my victims. I force breast feed them every morning. I receive 100 calls per hour. 

So here’s the thing: I find a really handsome boyfriend and things don’t work out and I assume it’s because he was handsome and then go for an ugly one and things don’t work out and I assume it’s because he was ugly and then go for a handsome one and things don’t work out and then I go for an ugly one and things don’t work out and then go for a handsome one. And by the end of this journey I’ve kissed so many beauties and ugliest my mouth hurts and my heart is broken and my labia has been dislocated to the side.

He said I’ll call you in 5’ and then disappeared forever.

Feeling so unloved I could throw up. 

Feeling so sick of myself I could throw up 

I’ve taken my leg out for a walk 

I’m throwing the banana peel in the washing machine and the dirty socks in the rubbish.

are you still waiting around for an answer. no. then what are you doing here. waiting around for an answer. so you are waiting around for an answer. no. so what are you doing here. waiting around for an answer.

no you killed my hard on. I don't care if I like you or not. I just want to play. I want to play here and now, from my bed, from my desktop. I don't care if you are too skinny or too white or have a pink dick. I just want to be me and you to be you and sometimes to lose ourselves into each other. Is that possible. Misscall if yes.

you've given me a task and I keep tapping on my screen so it doesn't get dark. I can't wait till you text me: Five reasons why you wan to meet me in bullet points. You must be horny as fuck. I thought of K today when masturbating. First time in months. That I thought of K. Not that I masturbated. I want my very own AI lover. He will be kind and gentle and affectionate, a little like Dimitris, and a super hottie and an intellectual, and he will have all kinds of ideas why he should be allowed into my home for good. Like he will say things like: I am working  through my neuroses all the time and then I get better and then I start again. Or he will say things like: you seem to have an interesting relationship to sex. I like people who are not scared of their sexuality. Or maybe not. Maybe that's too obvious. Yes, that's too obvious.

wow you are taking that slag thing very personally. You are actually typing for so long. Fucking her, just say it, just press enter, just press enter, come on. Can't stand this waiting. I am not sure I fancy you, I mean you are frail and white and you probably have a pink dick. I mean what good could that be. but I am curious to know why you like me, I am a total slag. You like me because of that or despite of them It better be the latter, you want a latte? no, it better be the latter.

so why do you want to meet me. Cause you are a slag. How to you know that. Cause you are a slag. And how do you know that. Cause you are slag. Slag. And how do you know that cause you a slag. keep fingering my screen. Cause you are a slag. keep playing with my keyboard. Cause you are a slag. Keep doing stuff to my electronic devices. Sexy stuff. Plugging them. You keep plugging my electronic devices cause you are a slag. Slag slag. Not just to charge them. Just to plug them cause you are a slag. Just to properly properly plug them. To properly properly plug them cause you are a slag. Slag. Slag. Slag. Slag. Slag. Slag. Yeah Slag. Cause you are a slag. like a proper one? yeah. Good.

did you call me a slag. yeah. did you call me a slag slag. yeah. I am a slag slag slag. Yeah. did you want me a slag slag slag slag slag yeah. I have to see you later. Make an appointment. Slag.

I am doing much better these days, but I still need to do the washing. The washing machine? No, the washing. The washing machine? no the washing. I need to do the washing. You mean the washing machine. No the washing. The wishy-washing? no the washing. The wishy washy machine? No the washing.

Further up, it's further up. Like down? No, it's further up like down like further up just brush it brush it brush it - pretend your re having sex with Richard D. like non-penetrative sex like he is fingering you for hours and you are running around in a shirt to find the toilet. Like the fingers go everywhere - inside, outside, everywhere, they go up your anus, up your vaginal walls, they extend inside your uterus, they become your baby, your featus your baking bring inside your vagina, it the fingers of Richard D. but its also your featus your feature your featus crying inside your uterus, your tilted uterus is that an issue? no but they might have to do enforced sea section on your forehead. Why on the forehead? Cause the doctor is blind. Are there blind doctors, yes, of course, don't discriminate against the blind.

I found a way to be me and not me at the same time. It's simple. You just keep all things open for a while and move across the pages. This one and another one further down the line. What things matter most: having the space and time not to move too far when you have 1. sore breasts, 2. a fractured food, 3. a headache. Knowing that it's ok to be wrong. It's ok to be angry and if you hurt yourself or someone else, you can still apologise. Or correct your position. Wheel back and forth and correct your position. Not to smooth out the creases, just to be in the place you choose. Is that the right place? No, it's the place you choose. Do I need to say any more? Yes, you do/ do I ? Yes you do, do I, yes you do, Do I, do I really, yes you do. do I? Yes, you do, you fucking do, you fucking fucking do, do I need to say more? Yes, you fucking do.

You know how you text back and forth back and forth with great fervour with someone you’ve just met at a conference who said that your work has got under his skin and then kissed you under the trees? And then suddenly  the messages stop coming and you’d wish you had not sent that last message saying: excellent! Let’s be writing buddies? Yeah, I never do that. I never stop at that really great moment so that I don’t appear too much. I keep going. I keep going and I don’t fucking care, I text him again and again, follow him on Twitter, stalk him on Facebook and like his pics on Instagram I keep going I keep going I keep going 

I think the rhythm is on. It is ready the rhythm.

I dreamt I had to go to military service for three months. I did not have time to cancel my appointments, I was crying, my dad was crying, I took the green jumper with me.

I want to find my men like I am in a charity shop. Look through all the rubbish and then discover this one unique, precious find. This is how it works for me anyway.

THERE AND GROW.
LET THEM GROW AND COVER
THE INSIDES OF YOUR THROAT
AND FURTHER DOWN YOUR STOMACH
YOUR SPLEEN YOUR AORTA.
NOW,  IT'S A GROWING WILD FIELD
IN THERE TAKING OVER
AND THE FUNCTIONS OF YOUR BODY
STOP ONE BY ONE

I can see the addictive pattern. I can never properly look at you, as me, when you are around. I can only look as this other person. The moment you leave, my elbows tall in place, my brow relaxes. I'm still tucking my belly in though just in case
My legs are crossed like a lady and I softly touch my fingers with one another, feeling that I'm still there. I haven't yet disappeared. I still exist despite your absence.
But this is not me either. Cause I've been so close to you it's impossible to feel anything without you.
I can't ever order a drink without you. I wait till you are back from the toilet until I can order another drink. I'm worried the words don't come out properly they will just sound like sound.

Just put your seashells back on and leave me alone. Do you fancy the octopus more?
Yes, but only for foot massage. What's that about stationary? Oh, that's from last year.
I promise I'll never be a sucker again.
Yeah! Be a sucker!
Yeah! Be a sucker!
I promise I'll only fuck with the clouds.
Yeah! Fuck with the clouds!
Yeah! Fuck with the clouds!
I promise, I'll never make stupid faces ever again to a baby (on the plane)
Yeah! Make stupid faces! Yeah!

What do you do? I'm a script writer. I study literature.
I'll never fuck a man with glasses and funny beard. He'd look too much like my dad.

HAVE SOME CRISPS, YEAH
HAVE SOME PRINGLES
HAVE SOME PRINGLES
PAPRIKA YEAH
PUSH THEM DOWN YOUR
THROAT YEAH FURTHER DOWN
LET THEM ROOT IN

I'll come in the night when your baby is asleep and sit on your cock. It will be totally consensual, of course, but you'll be asleep.

Don't call me daddy.
Why
Cause I'm not your daddy.
Yes, you are.
Yes, but not in that way.
what do you mean?
I mean, I'll only be your daddy if you do
the dishes and wear the clothes I ironed
for you and go to spin classes.

Lovesickness is like grieving. So, I use Chris' illness to cry about Kurtis.

Are these boys astonishing? Maybe? I have no idea if they are a distraction or the whole fucking point.

Is focusing on them a way of focusing on you?
Exhausted by all the bullshit. I've seen all the pictures, I went to the exhibitions.
Bring in another boy!
Don't stand still, it will hurt, it will stink, it will burn. Bring in another boy, admit defeat, cover up the pain. Don't miss him, don't miss him, it's too painful, or miss him, but make sure you find someone else quickly. Cover it up, cover it up new. You don't want to be lovesick for too long.

Find someone with gorgeous lips to forget about him. or find a Dom to tell you what to do. Or find someone with a prominent jaw or a beard that goes all the way to their ears, or someone with big eyeballs. But I want him. His eyeballs, his gorgeous lips. No, you have to find someone else, you can't commit to one person again and lose yourself. Just find someone old or young or middle-aged it don't matter. Just anyone. I'm basically looking for holes. Not unbearable holes. Just really spectacular, beautiful holes where I can stick my fingers and toes and relax for the night. I'm basically looking for a snack to nibble on. Not too salty or too sweet, just your average nibble.

You don't owe me anything. We said goodbye by Sainsbury's. You said you like my voice.

But you are awful on the phone. It's ok to have an awful phone manner as long s your bed side manner is good.

I'm so depressed I have a belly. I thin of my belly as an extended field of ugly herbaceous stems that extends beyond where the eye can reach. It is the kind of field that has holes in places and can suck you down. I feel the same about my lower belly, pubes and bones. I never said I don't have Herpes, I only said it's been dormant for a while.

I don't want to meet anyone married for a while. Not for chatting, not for fucking, not for company. This is not for me. All this Simon business has totally put me off. I can never comprehend how the here works. First you totally go for it, utterly overwhelmed by the incredible imaginings of hope - you dance like crazy and fuck up the ass - even the poop doesn't bother you.

THROW UP THE POOP
THROW UP THE POOP

And 8 months later you are tired of his dick and blame the birth control pill. You are in Greece for holidays and your vagina is dry as fuck and the only thing that excites you is designer jewellery or a chocolate donut.

I HOPE ALL THE 

FUCKING KIDS

TRIP OVER SOMETHING 

AND DIE

George, George, say I'ms sorry, say I'm sorry. George, say I'ms sorry, apologise (or we go)

what did you do last night? I put a hammer up my ass (and did a little dance)

I can't do looseness
and I can't do closeness

oh yeah, I see what you mean, totally profound.

ok one more time less hysterically

why does rage have to be contextualised? Even for women, by women? 

what I hate most in my life is someone that pretends they are enjoying themselves 

I missed you, you work too much

I want to meet your needs but I don't want to meet mine. Oh hello how are you?
I want to meet your needs but I want to meet mine.

Not sure what it means to meet in the middle.
Isn't the middle a cliff?

All I asked for was two nights a week off.
What kind of love is this?

How was that?
Yeah, that was amazing. Was it? Yeah, amazing.
Really? Yeah, amazing, especially when like the people held hands and pressed their faces against the wall yeah, that was amazing Yeah.

Did you like that bit where everyone started humming and that woman took off her cocks and started sucking on her toes? Yeah, that was nice.

You didn't think it was, like, profound?
No, I wouldn't say profound, why not? CauseI don't know when was the last time she had a shower.
Why does that matter? Maybe it doesn't matter, buy actually her toes were yellow. Maybe that's just the colour of her toes. No, I am pretty sure it's not.

How do you know? Cause after she sucked them, the toes became white.

Do you like, like, when people do really gentle, nice things for each other? No, I fucking hate that.

Do you like when contemporary dancers have this, like, empty look in their eyes, like they are looking and not looking at the same time?
Or when they open their mouth slightly and sort of smile without actually being happy? What do you make of that? That's just contemporary dance.
Do you like when dancers pair their pyjamas with a really nice t-shirt and call that a costume?

Someone is dying and I'm asking them who is their favourite actor so that they remain alive.

BITTER

I WILL END UP LIKE THAT BITTER OLD LADY - HER FACE TASTES BITTER LIKE LIME

TOTALLY KNACKERED BY BREXIT

All these men never shutting up all these business men never shutting up doing business
on the go over the phone, never shutting up

I'm such a business man, doing business, I'm such an incredible business man, doing business
I'm so sorry I hear it didn't work out with that company

This is my friend Connie. This is my dear friend Connie. Connie is a pervert. He's been looking at me blatantly from the moment I walked in.

Connie will probably go for a Turkish after this. You know, the really dirty kind.

Don't stick your tongue out
Why?
Because I want to chop it off.
How would you do that?
With a machete.
I think you should do it with a loan mower.

verge of misogyny
all the things I can fuck

what becomes of a sound

not to avoid pain but to go deeper into it and understand it

is it weird that your mum looks more asian than mine?

oh, my armpits are warm

The adults are here
but the one is half drunk
and the other a goat

I've got small tits
and long hair
and I've got a rabbit that's
all I've got...≥≥≥.

STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DICK

DROP ME OFF HERE

I HATE YOU

LET'S GET AIRNBN BITH

LET'S GET AIR BN BITCH

if I wasn't me, would I hate me?

How to engage with something so difficult it leaves you speechless. Does your piece have production values? No, but it has values.

opening up in all places

opening everywhere

SEX? NO, HEX.

I'M SO AWKWARD I'M NERVOUS

PUT A HEX ON PERPETRATORS OF VIOLENCE

I'M NOT GOING TO TOUCH YOU

BRACE YOURSELF PATRIARCHY

I'M IN A BAD MOOD

WHAT A BORE

WHAT A WILD BORE

GREEK FOOD IS SHIT

BUCKLE UP PATRIARCHY

FARTING TOO MUCH

I SHAT MY PANTS ON OUR FIRST DATE

Would I be happier if I cam here every morning? Surrounded by the Youngs and the oldies and the vape users?

Would I be happier if you texted me every morning that you loved me? Remember you used to do that thing long time ago, then you became a girl.

My hollow stomach cannot stop thinking of you. But it is not you I am thinking it is someone else. It is someone with a good English accent and a perfect phone manner. Someone that knows how to cross their legs and eat a pain au chocolat and graduate from school next year.

My foot is broken but mostly I am worried about my heart. Cause this is too much pressure to bear, too much pressure to worry that it has to be dramatic or forceful all of the time.

They gynaecologist suggested that I do not have polycystic ovaries anymore. Where are my cysts? Have they abandoned me?

Have they gone gone gone with not return? I feel left alone and I cannot say anything to complain cause apparently that's a good thing.

Fuck the storytelling. Fuck the funny storytelling. I just don't want to feel reliable anymore. I don't want to feel reliable. I want to roam around like a bitch, a big bitch in the streets and carry my left foot with me Aron Aron

I want to grow in a different hole away from here

there we go, here we go

here is the problem of this emptiness

is that really a problem?, no, it's more of an enigma

is it like an enigmatic problem where your mother dies in the second episode and you move into a fish tank?

other ways of living, growing, making love

I'm farting too much

what is the problem with this place?

HOLE
HOLE

HOLE

Some people hate their holes some people want to get rid of them some people want more holes

Two beans on credit
I don't want to get pregnant
so I'm growing
a nest on my head
it helps me because
my nest is coming
everywhere with me
it's another hole

HOLE
HOLE

HOLE

My baby only has
one leg one
belly button
one pair of shoes -
it's not a baby it's
a root
it's a root that
probably won't grow

service is unavailable atm

explode or open up slowly

it doesn't always have to be forceful or dramatic

so forceful and dramatic otherwise it doesn't count

my eyes are wide open I stare at Luke

I'm interrogating you and I call you bitch sometimes


I exist and I don't have to prove that

I matter regardless

Today I ate nothing. There is nothing in the world I want more than chips. What's wrong with what I want? I don't know, it's all bullshit. It's all big round bullshit. A list of things that make me feel shame/ small and big, doesn't matter/ like a school performance.

no real sense of self-wroth

absolutely precarious and forever unsettling

UNLESS I START POOPING ALL OVER THE PLACE
UNLESS I START POOPING

 a beaten up child
because of the poop?
because of the poop

still hurting everywhere

this is my conditioning, that I self-sacrifice and that is a form of control
that I found one more reason to not like myself

if I were a dog, I would put myself down. no more hoovering. no more hoovering. how do I make this  work last? just practice, just practice.

I'm cushioning I'm cushioning pulling inwards layer myself up for disaster a wild dog attacks me trying to protect my skin my legs trying not to be beaten. Always attempting something.

I'm going inwards, retreating, closing down, in order to reboot, recharge, feel hopeful again

explode or open up slowly

Did you have a Pap test?
No, I showed it to a doctor friend.
Did you make an appointment?
No, through WhatsApp.

Did you get an STI test?
No, I showed it to a doctor friend.
Did you make an appointment?
No, through WhatsApp.

I'M READY

I'M READIER THAN EVER

Just don't text me on WhatsApp. 

Somehow on the edge of the field,

I find myself.

She seems nice enough if not a bit rough on the edges. 

I'm bad, even when I'm shitty. Even when I'm bad. 

I matter even when I don't matter. I'm ready. For all of it. Just don't overtax me on WhatsApp. 

She waves hello even when I know she doesn't totally mean it. But she is polite enough and doesn't mention that Chris is in the ICU. She wants to protect my feelings. She wants me to be ok. But I am ok. It's ok. Move on.

Να μη φοβαμαι να μπω να βγω στο κρυο το νερο. Να ειμαι εγω. Χωρις νερο δε μεγαλωνει το φυτο.

θες να με παντρευτεις? Εγω θελω πολυ. Εκτος κι αν δεν μπορω να παντρευτω 4 ατομα μαζι. Θυμασαι τοτε που ο Γουορεν ηρθε να σε βρει σε μια εξοχη και ηταν πολυ χανγκοβερ και του πληρωσες το μεσημεριανο? Θυμασαι που κανατε σεξ και ηταν χαλια? Αυτο ηταν το Σεπτεμβρη. Αλλο ενα χρονο μεινατε μαζι και δεν σε πηδουσε καθολου. Χαλια πραγματα.


will you marry me? I want very much. Unless I can marry 4 people together. Do you remember when Warren came to find you in a countryside and you were a lot of hangovers and you paid him lunch? Do you remember having sex and being a rug? That was in September. Another year you went down together and didn't jump at all. Carpet things.

Lost and tired
I am closing down

I'll let go off everything
but not your dick

I am prepared to let go off everything
apart from your dick

gather all of me together

let someone be pulled silently by the loop

things that don't serve me that I have been carrying around all my life

I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM AN ANIMAL
I AM A SUBMARINE
I DONT LIKE MY WEIGHT
I DONT LIKE GRAVITY
I CAN MOULD INTO MANY THINGS
I AM MANY THINGS
I AM AN ANCIENT FISH
I CAN SAVE MYSELF
I AHVE SURVIVED
I AM ALIVE
I HAVE EYES
I AM ALIVE.    I EXIST  I EXIST
                           I EXIST  I EXIST
                           I EXIST  I EXIST


I REFUSE TO BE DEFINED
I CAN RUN
I CAN SWIM

I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME
I WANT TO BE ME          I WANT TO BE ME        I WANT TO BE ME




I CAN SPEAK
I CAN FLY
I CAN SWOM
I AM HEAVE AND SOFT
I AM A CONTRADICTION
I DONT HAVE FISH BUT I EXIST

I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING
I AM NOT ONE THING

SOME KNOWING
SOME NOT KNOWING

ANCIENT FISH
RUINS OF THE FEMALE UNDERWORLD
WE ARE GOING IN

I've notices you are writing a lot. Yeah, my practice is writing. What do you want most? That feeling that someone loves me. And what if that someone was you? Would that be ok?
Yeah, I think so.

where do you want to be loved?
in Norfolk.

what's the most loving thing anyone can do for you?
remember my fears, hold my hand through the woods, tell me it's ok, allow me to be myself
do you do these things for you?
no, not all of them.

you can only see things when you see them.
what do you want to ask warren?

Just killed a red spider. Her blood is everywhere. On the sink, in my notebook, on my hands, on the kitchen sink. Someone told me he loves me. It wasn't me, it wasn't me, it wasn't me. It wasn't me in the fiord or the boat to Macau.

Breaking down and breaking through.

allow things to settle in in the subconscious and seeing what the subconscious has to offer. Digestive process.

How are you processing stuff? Through taking, making, writing. Is it nice to switch off your phone? Yeah, really nice. Are these sanitary towels comfortable? Yeah, but a bit thick. Do you want a yoni massage? Yes, but I don't want to fall in love with the instructor.

MAKE SOME SPACE FOR THOSE WHO DON'T TAKE UP SPACE.

This lovely man - this beautiful, ginger, loving, gentle man fancies me. He holds me so gently from the back through my waist. He asks m if anything needs to be done.
SO MANY GENTLE HUGS.

Do you want a yoni massage?
Yeah, but I don't want to pay for it.

What do you want to ask Warren?
Was it the right thing to leave me?
Yes, for that time, it was.
Do you regret? No, but I am sometimes in pain.
Why are you thinking about him now?
Cause he pops up in my material as this loving figure here and there. Cause I loved him. Cause I thought I'd send my life with him and be his son's mother.
Did you really though?
Dunno. But it sounds nice.

Is this a real dialogue?
No, it's just you talking to yourself.
Why did you come with me?
Cause I wanted to.
But then you used it as a tool against me.
I am sorry I was upset.
What do you want most right now?
To accept myself.
How are you going to do that?
I 'm doing it already.

I went to Melinda’s wedding today. Onur came with me. We spoke to people we had never met and pretended to say cheers in Hungarian. I cried a little when they promised to love and to care for each other forever. What does that forever mean? What is it about it that makes people stick to each other through thick and thin? Is it the fear of solitude? Or the desire to belong? I saw an old friend in the wedding. He said so many nice things about me. I had nothing nice to say about him. I thought he was not very nice until today. He told me he needed to get phased in order to express his emotions and he was clearly pissed then. He revealed his is a senior engineer something something but that that was not him. He wasn’t senior anything. You are senior to me. I wanted to say. A senior dick. No, that’s too harsh for someone that shows vulnerability. Besides, Onur says I shouldn’t be judgemental. Walked to the station through the corn fields, it was lovely. Now heading home with my open heart and being grateful for my warm salad with eggplant and tomatoes I’ll be having imminently. 

Epsom Downs

What did you say? Epsom Downs. You ve been struggling with ups and downs? No, I’m going to Epsom Downs. 

All these eels

My body is full of them they are coming out now

Had some brilliant sex and now smoke and shower. 

I have eels instead of skin.

Don’t worry about the interdental. It will kill you in the end anyhow. Tonight we are celebrating your first US client! 

Ugly children and everything is mine.

Finally a moment of silence to poo. Pushing through my sphincter there is a surprise brewing. It’s bold and brown and beautiful. It’s not a poo poo, it’s my future, adorned like I’ve never imagined it before.

I still have some chilli pepper in my nose, but no nose elll dictate the way I live right here right now. I’m invincible, I’m free.

But I told you my hands are bare I told you there is nothing in my hands there is nothing

aaa
a
a
a
am
am
am
amazona
ambitious
ambrosia
amateur
amiga
ambracatambra
aman pia
aman pia den se antexw
aman pia den se antexw allo
aman pia pote epitelous tha katalabeis poso poly mou areses palia
aman pia pote epitelous tha katalabeis oti egw den eimai gia sena
amicable
amor
amor
amor
amnesia
amphebio
amfibolia
amuser
amusement
amygdalitis
amazed
amazing
America
americanopoiw
aman pote pia tha katalabeis
a mess
a mystery
a moment
a moment in time
a moment in time when I have no words
a moment in time when I have too many words
a moment in time
a misunderstanding
a mumble
a mumble
I mumble
I mumble
you mumble I mumble
amal
amal
amal e a
ama l e a
ama aaaa
aaaaa
aaaa
aaaaa
a
aaa
aaa
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
amalia
amalia
amalia
amalia
amalia
amalia
amalia
amalia
amalia
aaaaa
happy birthday

I have two blue eyes and three green purple red kisses for you. One of them is dipped in blood, the other in the area, the third is made of grass. You eat the first one, you pull me close, you feed me the grass. Shut up. Shut up. I cannot take any more happiness.

Ok, so we dressed up.

Now, just to let you know this is all from the past. I have been reading a book and thought I will write some of these things down. If it bothers you, let me know and I will stop (or discuss with you how I can do this without bothering you). But, just so that you know, I want YOU.

It was this performance at the Foundry, this durational three-day four-hour performance and the day before someone put me inside a shopping trolley; I was there wearing a black vintage swimming suit with little diamonds on top (the one I was wearing when we went for spa on my birthday) and I was inside the shopping trolley. This was a performance with lots of random people in a group doing random things, with televisions and cables and stuff - kind of improvising. I always wondered why people stayed; it wasn't that interesting or intriguing, it was just people doing stuff with stuff, cables and stuff. So I was in the shopping trolley the day before and I threw a towel to my friend Maria who was a fan and followed all of the crazy work I was doing those days, and she, competent and loyal audience member, interacted with me. She pulled me. And I fell, with the shopping trolley, and the shopping trolley fell onto my knee. And it really hurt.

So, the next day of the durational performance I could not walk, but I was not convinced I should not do my bit. So I did. I was there, wearing that purple dress I bought to fuck Antoine's young brother in South of France that summer, when I was feeling desperate and lonely and I had not even met him but I told Antoine on the phone before I had met his brother that I would fuck him.  I was wearing the purple summer dress and two red clip-on earrings and I was standing there. Stillness seemed to be kind of important for me back then. I was just standing and looking ahead, towards three young boys that sounded Spanish. At some point, I took of my earring and threw it on the floor in front of their feet and pointed at it. One of them, the brave one, picked it up and gave it to me. And I grabbed his hand, really tight, a moment before he was going to let go. And I held it there for four hours. I actually held his hand for less, but I then went on to touch his arm and shoulder and shoulder blade and back and I got to hold him closer and closer, very very close, no speaking. For four hours. The rest of the three boys were still there, looking. After the durational performance was over, my friend Paron whistled at me: 'I think you've got a date'. So, I picked up my stuff and went upstairs into the bar. I saw that boy and he spoke to me for the first time. Hello, I am Jose. And I was stunned. His voice was so high pitched and so different than I had expected. While I was holding him, I had all sort of fantasies. I thought how romantic if this is the boy I would actually end up with and I had met in such awesome way. How romantic it would be to end up with him and to have met him like this, in the basement of some weird bar in the middle of Hoxton. But I didn't. I didn't end up with him, I didn't like him, I didn't even want to chat with him. I still fucked him, but only once and only half-heartedly. I wanted to give it a shot just in case.

The other one, what's his name, I met in the coffee shop I used to work in. What's his name. I was not too keen, he looked like my dad but with a bigger belly. He tried to lure me with many different propositions, something about the moon in a text message, which didn't work, something about buying me dinner, which didn't work. When he spoke, vowels always seemed to make his mouth very round, very very round and kind of ugly, protruding, very ugly and wet and kind of protruding. Ok, so he said something about an underground house party in some kind of squat and that did it. He was a bit annoyed by that point, so he added: is that good enough for you. We did go to the party and I was more interested in the Russian blond girl than in him. But then the lights went down, the ceiling was low, the party almost over and therefore I decided to sit on his lap. And it was nice, kind of like sitting on my dad's lap nice. And then we went to his house and he tried to fuck me but I refused to take off my tights, so he kind of fucked me on top of the tights and then we had some tuna. (I remember we also went to some film exhibition at some gallery in the East and he gave me some advice on my career as an artist and I was wearing a black jumpsuit with some silver details. The advice didn't really seem to matter at the time, I was just happy being there, in a gallery, in East London, wearing my black jumpsuit).

I've been dreaming all night about cheese, my flatmate ate the cheese and I was really upset. And then I saw mother and D fucking against the window. 

how to wear the dotty shirt tonight with a fur and all

the moment I write something I have to give it a place, to give it life, is this going to work, how is this going to sound in this context and that context, maybe I should go to wales.

no need to worry, darling, just try to take your finger out of your asshole and stick it in your ear. how's things recently, oh, you know here and there, and further away.

I want to do nothing, only watch the good wife, the only thing that keeps me going, gets me going. So tired of worrying about stuff.

No, I don't recognise myself. I am scared like shit and things take their course, they just evaporate leaving nothing behind.

12 months inside nothingness is the best way to describe the last 12 months. LIke no need to pick up the phone or make eggs or even get out of bed, just spill the tea on the sheets and let it dry, put your gown on top of it, so that you don't feel it in the night, like you pissed yourself and just left it there to seep through for eternity. Why is this so fucking hard lately, cause everything means something else, everything needs to be something, to represent something, everything is something else, i have found writing so hard, cause the moment I write, I think is this fucking good enough is this fucking good enough for fucks sake, I do not want to think, I do not want to think anymore, LOBOTOMY, yes, I just want to be, to do, to exist. It is just head lice.

Why is your thing bleeding? Cause I helped a guy pull his phone out of a hole.

Call back in 15. Proof of address needed.

Don't mess with meatballs. Goodbye

No, goodbye.

Some food. Goodbye.

Nothing to share. 

Some food is enough for everyone.

Meatballs is the answer to fucking depression. Fuck grammar. 

Ok I can smell bad breath but no one else is around.

Can you smell dead mouse? I think I can smell dead mouse under my bed. G. was here last night but I forgot to ask him to smell. I mean surely he would tell me if he had smelled dead mouse. But what would he say, your new flat which you struggled so much to get cause they wanted quarantor and they wouldn't believe you have a euro account and they  made you download statement after statement worth of all the statements of the world and walk around d all the fucking Barclays of the world smells of dead mouse? I'd rather die.

So I have this friend, Eban, who used to go out with Blo. When they travelled to Aribona for a month, he said they had sex without a condom. I'm very particular about contraception and I never forgive my friends who do that. Anyway, in his defense he said he could never be prepared cause he never knew when it was going to happen cause every time it seemed to him like the first date, like going on a first date again with the same person. Like starting from scratch all the flirting and stuff, asking the same questions. Well, this is how I feel about myself all the fucking time. When I move from one flat to the next, when I get a new boyfriend. When I change jobs, or towns, or countries. I have to start from scratch again, to get to know myself. What music do I like what I want for breakfast. What's your name? Eibini, oh mine is Eibini too, how old are you, 35, oh me too 35, do you like prawns, not sure give me a day.

So why did you text that boy last night. Cause I felt like it. And why did you feel like it. Cause I wanted to hear from him. And why did you want to hear from him. Cause I wanted him to text me back and acknowledge my existence. And why did you want him to acknowledge your existence, why not acknowledge your existence yourself. Cause mine doesn't count, cause I can never acknowledge my existence, cause other people are only able to confirm I exist. Cause once they do, I feel like a person again, in the world, you know. And I feel worthy of something. Worthy of confirming my existence. I'll never read an introspection article never again.

So my doctor said: freeze your eggs now, and that was 3 months ago. And now, 3 months later, I consider whether I should freeze my eggs. But if he said now and now is 3 months later, does that mean that now I can no longer freeze my eggs? So I'm going to have a cup of tea and a fag and consider what I'm supposed to do now. 

It's the fucking Internet to blames.as soon as I got it I got cold and miserable and slept badly. Bloody hell! And been checking my emails non stop and been doing no work whatsover. Good right. 

I'm in my old tub and I have filled it with hate oil. The shop didn't have any other kind, so I got hair oil. Cause soap makes my vag hurt and its out of the question. B. sent me an email which made me feel alive again. Yeah. I am the most resilient person I know. Fuck you and don't tell me to develop resilience. I've changed three flats in nine months and three jobs in four years. And had to end a really really tricky thing too. So I'm in the tub and I really want to smoke. But my throat is hurting and I've just had a throat tea. I'm finishing my book, I've made it, and I'm closer to who I want to be in years. So fuck you. I'm resilient enough, resilient for the things I want to be resilient for. I remember B. too. How he makes me feel that this is exactly where I need to be, and who with. I only have one picture with him under the tent, it was when he couldn't stay over and my heart broke. But I have the picture and he looks his prettiest holding a beer and smiling with dimples. So I'll comb my vag with argan oil and go and write to him. I didn't finally take the marjoram from manor house. It was too chunky and I didn't have a pot, plus it was a bit dry on the side. I can care for myself and my plants and no one else for a while. And if anyone has to say anything about self promotion then come and say it fuckers. Hope my employers do not read this crap. Cause I'm exactly where I need to be, inwards, onwards and smoking. And staying inwards and onwards, and making decisions and taking to myself and figuring out things on my own. I'll try to continue like this and maybe I won't have to fight with feeling all over the fucking place again. But I hate being careful. Careful, be careful, be careful, yeah, be careful. I'm just careful for myself, so that I don't get run over or out of breath. That's it. Don't get run over or out of breath. I love your asthma. Pay your fine and go home. 

I rented out a studio flat and in the middle of the night the agent arrived and lifted the blinds. And I could see that there was an extra room in my studio flat, only if belonged to someone else. There was a bank bed and a toilet in there, but we'd have to share the main entrance, which sucked. And I specifically asked before renting: what are these blinds. What are these blinds. But no one cares to answer.

Hannah Horvath is the best. She has inspired me to write. To like really write. To say that I miss my girlfriends, all the girly silly things we used to do. Like watch movies and eat pop corn for hours and not caring of getting fat or being lazy, cause you are actually with someone else. But the truth is I did care, I did worry about getting fat or being lazy even when I was with them. Why is it so important to do good things and be productive? To have a goal? To keep going? Can I not be aimless for a while? I just want to lay low, keep it simple and not think about it. But no, I have to be an adult - how to be an adult in ten days - and be productive and generally a good person. I want to be a shitty person. Or I want to be a person that does not have to think what kind of person they are. And saying that already makes me not that person. I know I am blaming my flatmate for the diarrhoea, but actually I have not cleaned the toilet seat once since I have been back. Cause this is a new built, everything seems shiny and therefore clean. But it is not clean, it is not clean and I have to remember that, memo. I will make a note above the toilet - just because it is shiny, it does not mean it's clean. Shouldn't the flatmate clean as well though? I am doing a marathon of girls with G cause I want to watch as much as possible before I move into the new flat. I am thinking of not getting internet there, kind of terrifying as a thought, but I am thinking of not getting internet. If I want to work, I go to work. If I want to rest, I stay at home. I really feel like an internet slave, out of control and running all over the place. Leaving dinner parties to watch netflix and pretending it's too hot. I made an entire group of people move from the sun, the only sunny day in England, into the shade, and then I left to watch netflix. Yeah. Great. But my bed was nice and cool and I didn't have to wear any clothes and everything felt familiar at home. I have bought some new plants - one I actually did not like, but all blogs say it is the most resistant and long lasting, it does not need too much light. So, the question is, should I take the rosemary with me when I leave. It is in a chunky pot and I would have to find an even chunkier container. But, it's the one my parents bought for me and I am sure it will die here. So, there, done, I am taking the rosemary. What about the marjoram? Still having the shits and the GP is busy till Monday.

Idea: find contexts where people would normally repeat something, a word or phrase, and go wild with it, overdo it.

I am so frail I cannot hold anything in my hand anymore. The coins fall off my hand I bend down to pick them up and they fall in between my fingers, I bend down to pick them up and they fall in between my fingers. Nothing stays in place.

Left with nothing again, just myself which amounts to nothing. No stomach to punch, no intestines, no one to blame. An emptiness which hurts more than emptiness and I have to mend everything again, slowly, with care. My mother is long gone, her hugs unnecessary. I dream of a small house with two doors. I will smile only when I am ready and will not exit my room till you are gone. Trying amounts to nothing. All my layers are gone; no sun, no nothing. I wish I were ready for you and I am so scared you will also know I amount to nothing. I can make lists and oulifne priorities, but my stomach is empty and everything pierces through and comes out the other side. I could go to the cinema and then talk about it. But that amounts to nothing. I have to remind myself I am a person, otherwise I will cross the street and something bad may happen.

I have on my forehead these holes. They are hard holes, and each one of them is deep; it contains wood, or something that looks like a tree trunk. They are scars from spots I have scratched. They are now hard holes, I can see the tree trunk inside, I can touch it. I want to take a scalpel and remove it, but I cannot reach. I put my finger inside and I feel the hardness all around, the shape of the trunk, the depth of the hole. I push my finger inside, it is so disgusting and pleasurable, those dirty holes. So vivid, so vivid I have to touch my forehead from time to time to ensure.

P. announces to me that we are doing an opera and that I have the principal role. But I cannot sing, I say. I WILL TEACH YOU, he shouts. But, it's a waste of time, I say, extra-curricula, my arse, IT'S COMPULSORY, he shouts. It's bullshit, I say, but I know I now have to spend hours just learning the shitty lines.

I am having dinner with Mrs L. our of politeness and then look at my watch. It is 8.45pm and my class should have started at 7pm, it should now almost be done. But I am not there to teach it, I am not there, twice in one week. NOW THEY WILL KNOW I AM A FRAUD, I shout.

One by one the chocolate bowling balls are coming out of my ear

Dear Sir/Madam

I am indeed very disappointed that I have to pay for postage to send this item back to you. In previous occassions, I was not required to do so. Just a note to say that I was trying to assemble this for about one hour. This is a whole hour of my life. I hope you appreciate that.

I woke up dreaming of Dehli. Finish my book, quit my job and go. 

This is the best sensation ever, the very best thing: a nut, an almond and a walnut stuck together in the opening of the body of an orange, having grown together and not been able to exit into the world, pushing each other in the opening and knowing they go nowhere. 

Let's just pretend this is not the sound of phlegm, it is actually a really advanced way of cleaning the throat.

This dog reminds me of myself. He doubts that I like him, even when I offer him my heart on a plate.

I bet you won't have a huge pregnant belly, but you'll have a huge bum. Is that really ok to say? Even after I have admitted to secretly place my hand on my belly some days in the office and pretend I'm pregnant.

Darling, sitting down at Carluccio's having coffee and cake and listening to Love is a losing game and thinking of the weekend. Even if I never see you again or you decide you like boys more or you somehow fall out of my radar and never speak to me again, I know this: you have made me feel alive and loved and given me the hope of love. This I cannot compare with nothing else in the world (I bet there is some syntactical error in this sentence). I want to see you again, of course, and I want to be part of your life, but this moment in time, I want to stop and consider this (what I already said).

Inside my tummy I can feel the old people with the long skirts going up and down all morning. My tummy is expanding on the rhythm of quinoa and I realise I have to stop accusing people for the way the pronounce their lives. Olives, sweet potatoes and some left-over humous.

My teeth have fallen today and there is no excuse not to visit the doctor. He will say all ses fine, but I know that my teeth have fallen today. I can feel the gaps on my gums, swollen and distracted. Swaying from side to side looking for my teeth that have fallen today. 

take me out from this black hole - its edges suspended from the ceiling. I have no teeth, only a canine that has to do all the job - chewing and crashing the stones and the grass. My mouth is distorted and the rest of my head disappears into the abyss. Two strings are holding my ears in place and my unknown back is hurting.

Four bullets and you have to push. I have not felt this way in ages. So shit and going down. Like there is a big massive unchewed lunch in my tummy and I have to carry it from here to the library and back home. I want it to go away. Or to remember to chew next time. I'm made of glass and my fingers are melting. I cannot type, I cannot sit down. I can only feel the hole in my tummy, the weight of the hole. and press my arm inside it to see if it hurts more.

A small eel lives at the back of my tongue. I pull it out and it has the face of a baby pig. My neighbour is taking drugs and all of my furs are stolen. We want to do a photography shoot, but someone is sawing wood.

I am done. Done done. I could not find my pencil case, but I am done. Almost unpacked and thinking of puppy. My breath does not come from my lungs, it is mostly developed through the outside layer of my skin - I have forgotten how to breathe deeply. Here, there is not deep breath, not allowed, no such thing, just keep going with shallow ones, for as long as you can. But in an exciting way of course, I feel I am suffocating. New things, new all, new everything. Almost like a dream, I do not recognise my life. And when I do, it is already so far away, I have to say goodbye. That is ok. I can look from afar and wave. I will fold the boxes carefully into the green bag and knock on your door. I will make rare steak and avocado salad and chat about nothing. You know, that man in the tent with the mosquitoes that wanted to have sex with you. And I will wake up not knowing what to do again and wondering where I am going. In a straight line, I guess, like you said.

I met my old ex boyfriend with diabetes, he was still smoking, still nice to talk to him. Then I was punished for some sort of crime, I had to stand all day not sit with my neck inside an iron thing with a chain. 

So I fucked the taxi driver who looked like an old Matt le Blanc. I was in an island, my sister was busy. We ended up in a university accommodation eating strawberries. He suffered from a rare condition of hunching. As we were fucking, he got older and older and at the end he looked like my grandfather. My sister was looking for me, preparing a workshop on group dynamics. Good, because I didn't like the sex that much.

I feel now nearer and nearer my place, where I belong. Stupid reasons really. Stockings worn with high heel sandals, five-year old child marvelling at a foreign language, someone taking a nap in the tube. I'm here, now. I won't read 'how to stand out', fuck it. I'll just stand. In the middle of everything. 

Go to the kitchen, lazy. All the answers are there, waiting for you.

My very first meal in London consisted of a half-cooked noodle-soup poorly soaked into a half-bottle of semi-hot water in my tiny kitchen in Mile End. Once again, my very first meal, for the second time round, 11 years later, cabbage out of a plastic cup in my little kitchen in Hackney. So delighted to be back. 

I'm back in the gloom of the summer, you are not here to hold my hand and my tummy hurts. These people in the plane were nice: he was kissing her hand until his breath was finished until he suffocated himself. Can we convince you to come face for graduation? NO!!! 

So rude. I have been so rude, I know. But then I cried. So much and with everyone. Rembering stuff. And I tried to figure them out. One of them said: I tried to piss you off and you kept going. And I said: I was trying to figure you out. And now I know: what you wanted was just to play. 

My dad is on his way and I can't wait to tell him about my discovery: what she wanted was just to play. He will be proud of me, like he always has. 

I will get up, make my first coffee of the winter and get ready for the cold. I'm at home here. But I can still be sad at home. Back to old habits, movies and coffee in bed, watering the plants just before they die.

I have people coming today. I will buy flowers and decorate the house. And a cake on a cake stand. I may even get some cherries on top. I'm thinking of you, puppy. 

I've got all the pears. I've got all the pears I want. All the pears of the world. One, two, three, four. I've got all the pears. They are both round and rectangular and like a small arse. A small purple round arse, the arse of Roy Orbison. Very round and purple, the arse of Roy Orbison. Very very round and purple, just like a pear. 

Here is what I need: an imaginative, spectacular hairdresser that will tell me how to wear my hair now I have new glasses. That will sit me down and comb it patiently with no remorse and make suggestions. Certain, certain suggestions, easy, easy suggestions that I can do in front of a big mirror in my new London room. Then puppy will walk in and say: I prefer your hair down. 

Instead of ears I have two long rectangular pieces of wood that keep my head in its place. They move sometimes and I'm dizzy. I'm also wearing a hat.

I didn't know I did that. I didn't know I still got angry when mother asked for confirmation of being a good mother. I didn't know I still felt pressure when they both said there is clean peach on the side of the kitchen, when they put more spaghetti in my plate than I wanted. When they reminded me that they did not let me be on my own or with other people or myself. When they admitted to think of their life as just us. I didn't know I did that. I still got so upset when I knew, once again, that their life was just us. I do not want to be anyone's life, I do not want to give confirmation, because that itself is pressure, I do not want to eat the clean peach or the spaghetti. I only want to lie down, under the air conditioning in my underwear and think of the bright days to come.

Yeah yeah king size Yeah yeah king size Yeah yeah king size not large king size Yeah yeah king size Yeah yeah king size

Yeah yeah king size not large king size

Yeah yeah king size Yeah yeah king size 

Yeah yeah king size Yeah yeah king size 

Yeah yeah king size Yeah yeah king size 

Yeah yeah king size not large king size

Yeah yeah king size Yeah yeah king size 

Yeah yeah king size 

So this thing happens in my mind: I experience things taking place right now as if they are already gone. Kind of experiencing the nostalgia of having lived these things while living them right now. But, I'm living them right now and yet I'm sad, as if I look back in the past and I see these things in a time which is not now. A time that is already gone,  although these things are happening right now and that makes me sad. Like when you sent your text the teenage volcano last night. I replied and then looked at my inbox again and saw your message and felt as if this is not now; it is a time in the future when now is already gone and your message has been sent in a different time that is not now, and now is already gone and a time when you are not part of my life anymore and I live this as if I'm in the future and I remember how happy I used to be, how happy your text made me, in a time that is now gone. I received your text then, when indeed you were part of my life. But then is now and I'm thinking of now as then and experience the sadness of not having you in my life. And yet, you are here, right now, sending me this text. ( eirini, wake up and get a grip).

Darling, I had a dream about you last night. You made out with my sister, because I had a girlfriend, and then decided to sleep with me in the big corner bed. Under the covers you found a little bag of white powder and we took some, thinking it was mdma. But then discovered that it was pot-pouri.

I made out with the building porter so that he lets me in the flat. He wanted me to cook pasta but I said let's make out in the dark. I had a fight with M. Because she didn't want to wear what I proposed: a blue tulle net skirt with a pink and green top which looked great. On her way out I shouted: that's what's pissing me off, the float that you are trying to be invisible.

I wanted to throw my hand into the gutter and wondered whether I'd be able to retrieve it afterwards. Think of the good things, the good things, I thought as I was waking up.

You had a shower during Labor Day and woke me up. If I get married my wedding dress will be bigger than the party hall, bigger than the priest. It will cover my long legs with lots and lots of layers of candy and I will move all around in a whirlwind of love. No shoes, or perhaps, no shoes.

I went to a kidney exhibition to check which kidney I liked in order to replace it with mine. I woke up and had three cups of coffee and fifteen cherries. All afternoon in the toilet, in other words.

Drank a lot last night kind of hoping I'll be funnier and more lovable. I exchanged my chicken leg for two cigarettes: one factory one rollie. I smoked one after another without thinking. The air was warm and then cold. We had a table cloth with orange and blue sunflowers and then an offer was on top of me in the tarot cards. Fell asleep on the table, supporting my head with my weak arm. And then jumped into the sofa bed under the dirty blanket, no sheets or anything. Best sleep ever. Faded into obscurity, like you would say. 

So, it's your birthday soon and I call you puppy. Can't remember how that came up, maybe I said something, you said something and I called you puppy. And then it stuck. For your birthday, here is what I want to give you: us waking up in a deserted mansion house in a big deserted mansion bedroom with a massive big bed somewhere in Italy. The bedroom windows face the garden which faces the sea (a bit cliche, but I'm an island girl, the sea has to feature). There are rocks, white chiffon curtains and a breeze. And I have all the ingredients for your favourite breakfast: strawberry mousse and waffles and hot coffee. We have breakfast and lie in bed for a while. And make up interview questions for imaginary job posts in exotic places and count the cracks and dribble all over each other and we are best friends. 

Some good changes recently, well done, well done. The FB thing, very well done, the reading thing, very well done. I manage to find a corner amongst the crowd just for myself. I manage to keep it for a while, to trust that that is my corner just for a while. I decided to do the FB thing while I was taking a bath and feeling overwhelmed with everything. I thought I wouldn't be able to follow through, but it's going well. I'm doing it. Ah, yes, and the computer thing, well done. Leaving it behind for a day or two or three. How nice. And just being with myself in the corner, making sense of the world.

Ok, I know it's time to move from a place when I am having a combination of crisps  and chocolate for dinner and enjoying it (which I have not done for a while, trying to be good). This is what happened with B. and C., this is what is going to happen with A. 

I never told you my little story

I never told you

A-i-w-a

I never told you my little story

I never told you

A-i-w-a

I never told you my little story

I never told you

I can bark at night

I can bark at night

I can bark at

A-i-w-a

I never told you my little story

I never told you

A-i-w-a

I can bark at night

I can bark at night (woof woof)

I can bark at night

A-i-w-a

Three times at night I wake

Three times at night I wake

myself barking

Three times at night I wake

Three times at night I wake

myself barking

Three times at night I wake

myself barking

Stay with me, stay with me

I'll make omelette and eggs

Stay with me, stay with me

I'll make omelette and eggs

Stay with me, stay with me

I'll make omelette and eggs

(and I will love you)

Stay with me, stay with me

I'll make omelette and eggs

I'll make lunch, lunch, lunch

And I'll buy you waffles

Stay with me, stay with me

I'll make omelette and eggs

Stay with me, stay with me

I'll make omelette and eggs

(and I will love you)

I'll make lunch, lunch, lunch

And I'll buy waffles

Be silent

all your life, all your life

Be silent

all your life, all your life

you have to shut up and

Be silent

all your life, all your life

Shut up and

Be silent

all your life, all your life

(ok, I am tired).

I never told you this
but I know how not to burn the beans

I never told you this
but I know how not to burn the beans

(I know how not to burn other fruit and vegetables too)

I never told you this
but I know how not to burn the beans

(while having a shower at the same time)

I never told you this
but I know how not to burn the beans

(I know how to take a shower)

I never told you this
but I know how not to burn the beans

(I never told you other things too, I know)

I never told you this
but I know how not to burn the beans

(sitting in the patio and dreaming of you)

I never told you this
but I know how not to burn the beans

(wanting to be there, with you, in the patio)

I never told you this
but I know how not to burn the beans

(I think I may have actually burnt the beans)

Drunk last night and thinking of you. I wrote a little song: I never told you this, but I know how not to burn the beans. I know there is an extra syllable in the second line there, but I just say it a little more quickly than the first. Struggled a bit to make it fit in, but I managed. It is a version of 'And if you stay', but culinary, you know, with food and cutlery. And I also played an instrument yesterday, before all the drinking. Kind of happy about that. I got up 8am with the screaming and shouting of a 6 year old outside of my door, who is staying here for a few days. Then I went to be again till 1pm and woke up feeling still drunk but happier.

I am so stressed again, but no diarrhoea this time. Just a bloated tummy - had some german vegetable that looks like a round potato, only green. I am taking it easy, did two sun salutations this morning, I am keeping warm. And yet, I am feeling so stressed and unsettled and far from home. But my home is not where my home is, it is probably further than that. Not sure exactly where, probably next to a green checked woollen blanket that is left by the piano on top of a red plastic box full of books for donation.

Thank you for our chat last night. You are so nice; of course I knew that, but now I know it more. More than before, more than before before, you know. I am terrified talking about stuff like that. Like being honest and talking about stuff like that. I am now wearing a woollen pullover I found in the free bookshelves. It is raining today, but I am going to see a show later on and then say goodbye to my students.

I dreamt I threw a birthday party for a slug. It was sticky and very very fun.

I have a fireman in my house installing a fire alarm upstairs. I think he is eating crisps. I wonder whether he has tried my new mattress too.

I was stroking you and I knew this is not right but I did not know why - perhaps because you were my dad - but that did not seem to be a problem then - there was something else the matter - perhaps that you were indifferent towards me and did not seem to care.

I was recruiting and one of them slashed my wrist and I texted N. 'I think he is a loser' and N. replied 'What makes you think that'? The sister of the slasher saw me writing the message and wanted to read it and my heart was beating because I was scared of my own life and tried to delete it inside the taxi cab.

so fucking tired of these numbers, yeah yeah, subtraction, percentage, maths. I do not know how to calculate percentage, I do not understand the difference between a DVD reader and writer, I have no clue why my fringe is going sideways. I am full of questions, questions coming out of my entire orifice, mouth, nostrils, nostrils especially. I am going to thread my moustache and shut up.

if no stupid children are in the map for me, I should abandon suburbia straightaway in 3, 2, 1 and go back to the magnificent city (with its lights blah blah) and enjoy gentrification to its max.

OR up and down

Up and down OR

Love my OR I've always have. 

No, not true. First OR today. Kind of got cocky and wrote OR. Just that. 

I do love the details. Like the detail of that wedding planning and the different colours of the lamp fans, and the flowers on the porcelain plate and the birds on the china cups. And leaving your postcard on the side, but not hidden, placed but not abandoned, near other stuff but nor out of site. I am making a forest. A large one, in which I can wonder around and place under each tree my square tears. This is how the forest will grow and blossom and be able to accommodate both of us.

so many times I have waited for something I am tired and my stomach hurts. I had some quinoa with basil and tomato (ready made) and I have to replant the hanging basket. I watered the window pot this morning, in my new thick socks and shabby trousers - I filled the blue vase and went out. This is always one of my favourite moments; it is a moment of ownership, complete have-ness. I have a blue vase, a window and a window pot. The flowers inside, which I have planted myself. And I have my socks, of course, and the water that dribbles down the pavement and this white door.

something is stirring, something inside my soup is stirring, it is a little fish that did not die during the transportation, a little fish which is still swimming in my soup, all the way around, past the wheat noodles and the chilli flakes.

Something smells good - some kind of vanilla muffin smell. Three boys have entered in their football gear and open toe slippers with white socks. Is this a thing? I have 6 lei left and the water is 8. Maybe I will wait till the airplane and pay with pounds.

All good for now. Heart is fine, fire extinguisher not too heavy and I can walk. Only drank a very small amount of that wine you left for me, but it was good. Kind of sweet and it was quite late. I was reading about Richard and Kate and Sarah and the love triangle. And then about Marc. What a prick. Breaking up over a text message: 'I am not ready to be 50. I am not even ready to be 42.' What a prick.

Still here waiting for my taxi on the side of the pavement typing into my phone. I'm still touched, from earlier. Not sure how to describe this, it's a sort of sensibility I love and love to know that I share. Almost a permission to do this, to make you part of this and me and this world of mine. I'll stop obsessing now. But I have taken a screen shot of your post and I will look at it in the airplane. 

Yesterday was good. It was kind of sort of good and nice. I had a walk around, still carrying a heavy thing inside. It has the shape of a fire extinguisher but does not quite do the job. Smoked some shisha (my dictionary never recognises the word) and then walked back, taking my fire extinguisher with me. This morning, things seemed brighter, almost like that had never happened. It was a good meeting. I was getting pretty desperate, waiting for people to sign in and clicking on participants again and again. For an hour and a half I thought I would have to chair my own meeting, be my own host and read the steps on me own. But finally two people arrived. The sister of the famous football player and someone else. And it was nice. First time I talked to women. So nice.

This really touched me. It touched me in all the right ways. Softly and abruptly and without warning. In a simple, yet earnest way. No bullshit. And I am so scared and crying. Still here, under the romanian sun, just had some doritos with salsa (a bit too spicy for my taste and felt bad because I did not have any more money for tip, I decided to leave 20 lei for the cleaners - you can buy a sandwich and a beer with 20 lei here, so I thought this would be an ok tip). I said it. I said it. And it was fine. It was more than fine. In a kind and simple way. And we were fine. And then for the first time, I felt I could perhaps place my feet on the ground and stand on my own, no support needed, no one to hold my hand. Not because I do not want you to hold my hand, but because I want to be able to stand without it. I know you are there. I am here too.

Sitting under the Romanian sun doing some work - my bowel is not complaining for once. More coffee to come and I am chairing a panel. I hope I do not have any bowel movement before, during or after.

I wake up and nothing really matters. I am all alone, diarrhoea again, and black coffee. Bad combination. Bad, bad combination. Just stay away from facebook. No matter what, stay away from facebook.