I want to go to bead. Let me. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to go to bead. Just let me, I am ready. I have always been ready. But been waiting for you to get up and get out. Just let me go to bead. And I won't argue with you anymore. I promise.

I am not crying. Really, I am not crying. These are not tears coming out of my eyes. I am really not crying. So used to crying mutely I can now do it on demand. As a game. No need to worry about acting skills or breathing techniques. Very simple and easy. Practice makes perfect.

Fighting has now become a habit. Now the fighting is a habit. Fighting is now a habit. Nothing to fight about. Just got used to it. It has to happen twice a day, every other day, and three times on Sunday. 

I am not very good of maths, but I can tell that that’s a lot of fighting. I feel so lucky though, to have someone to fight with. Imagine all these other, lonely people, who do they fight with? 

is your plate full at the moment? does your water taste like shit? is your plate full of shit? full of random shit swimming in your plate? does your water exude a smell of shit? how many shit is in your plate at the moment? can you count? can you actually count?

we will keep you for a while until we are ready to get rid of you. just evaluate your options. you may have a bonus next year, so consider staying. be a man and make a clean break. let's take the risk together.

Where is the thermometer, all things missing, where is the thermometer? All things gone, well and truly gone and missing. Did we ever actually have a thermometer? An electronic one, perhaps and yes but not a manual, not the kind you stick in your arse and fart and pray. Where is the thermometer, I am burning. So, this is why I will never break up again. No thermometer and I am burning.

I suppose you know that by now, how heavy the logs are. And how hard to cut them with with no soar. They are long enough to put in the fireplace as long as you can get the right angle. Otherwise they will go inside your mouth and eye and nostril. You need a soar. You know that. But no soar to be seen. It is well gone now. Bring in the logs, the long long logs and stick them up your nose. They will be warm at first then start burning. Then burn your skin for good. Unless of course you have a soar.

I am coming. I am coming. Wait up. Or do not wait. I cannot warm up my hands anymore, there is no time. I am coming. Wait up. No noise from the cutlery please, no noise at all. No cutlery noise please, no crockery sound. All quite now please, just keep quite. Walk softly on your toes, touch the switch with the tip of the finger, remove the towel with one hand and pretend you are washing. The water makes noise too, remember. And when your armpits will smell and you won't be able to stand it anymore, just pretend you press the soap dispenser, no noise, and that you rub in on your skin, no noise, and that the tap is dribbling, no noise at all, and that is it, all washed and ready to go.

So you try to kiss me and there is no tongue but too much saliva, I cannot swallow. I try to swallow but I cannot. There is a vacuum in between our mouths, a vacuum that can never be filled. Although our mouths are touching and I try to swallow there is an endless vacuum and no tongues. Or too small tongues. Or no tongues. Then, I realise. I want nothing tainted anymore in my life. Nothing tainted. All should be pure and white. No past, no presence, no baggage. Especially no baggage. Hand or checked in, it doesn't matter. Neither is good for me. Only pure and white. So, no years on top or under, no years left, no years to wait. No years at all. I cannot wait for any number of years to see what you decide or what will happen. And you never took an interest in my blog in any case. So, pure and white, no tainted stuff, not anymore. No counting down till I can be pregnant or counting up, till you can be pregnant, or counting sideways. No coming to terms with your body, no coming to terms with anything. Still pure and white, like my white fluffy carpet and the pile of sheets you left behind. And never sleep with beardless people.

Κατέβα. Κατέβα. Κατέβα σου λέω. Πιο κάτω. Μα δε σε φτάνω. Πέταξέ μου κάτι τουλάχιστον. Κάτι δικό σου. Να το έχω όταν θα είμαι στο νησί. Κάτι ήθελα να σου γράψω μα το ξέχασα. Α, ναι. Θυμάσαι που σού'χα πει ότι θα σ'ακολουθήσω παντού, όπου κι αν πας, κι ότι θα παρατήσω τη δουλειά μου και θα'ρθω μαζι σου, κι ας μην έχω δουλειά, κι ας μην ξέρω να πλένω τα πιάτα έτσι όπως τα θέλεις, κι ας μη με φιλάς κάθε πρωί όταν ξυπνάς παρά μόνο όταν σε ξυπνά η γάτα, κι ας μην ξέρω να φτιάχνω το πληντήριο, ή να φωνάξω κάποιον να φτιάξει το πλυντήριο ή τελος πάντων να δηλώσω εξαφάνιση πλυντηρίου, κι ας μην έχω telephone manners καθόλου, κι ας μη με θέλεις, κι ας μη μ'αγαπάς, κι ας το κάνεις ψέμματα ότι μ'αγαπάς, γιατί σ'αρεσει το σπίτι μου κι η παρέα της γατας, και το τραπέζι του κήπου, κι έχεις βολευτεί για τα καλά, κι ας μη με παίρνεις στο τηλεφωνο ή στο σκάιπ, κι ας μη χαμογελάς όταν με βλέπεις να γυρνώ από υπερατλαντικό ταξίδι, κι ας μη με προσέχεις που αλλάζω τα μαλλιά μου και φοράω φούστα μίνι, παρά μόνο όταν νομίζεις ότι δεν είμ'εγώ, κι ας αναστενάζεις συνέχεια, κι ας παραπονιέσαι οτι σ'ενοχλεί ο δικός μου αναστεναγμός, κι ας έχεις μεγάλο πουλί, τόσο που καμιά φορά δε χωράει, κι ας μη μου κάνεις νάζια ή κόλπα, ή τίποτα απ'όλ'αυτά. Θυμάσαι τότε που σού'χα πει ότι θα σ'ακολουθήσω παντού, όπου κι αν πας? Το εννοούσα. 

I know why you did that, sweetie, I completely understand. No, no, I completely understand, of sweetie, don't worry, no, no, don't you worry now. They did not speak to me, they did not speak to me at all. They just walked out one by one. How serious, oh how serious, to have nowhere to go, nowhere to rest. To know, you have nowhere to go.
What did I do wrong? Did I not hold your hand tight enough? Did I not promise things will be better? Did I not buy you the expensive things you wanted, cook a nice meal at the end of the day? Did I not tell you how much I loved you, often enough? Did I not bend backwards and forwards for you to have someone to hold on to?

What a fig, what a lovely fig.
The other fig, I walked all the fig and found my fig, drowning in fig. When I figged to fig, the fig, somehow figged to no fig. I learnt to fig and not so fig, so fig fig.

I am a false fruit. What a false fruit. I blossom inside. I am a false fruit.
Where are my buttons? Where are my buttons, where are they.

I am capable of stuff. Stiff stuff, stuff.
I am capable of stuff.
I am capable of stuff. The stuff of the stuff stiff stuff.
So many stuff.
I am capable of stuff.

I am not a false fruit
I am not a false fruit
I am a multiple fruit.
Multiple and good. I am a good fruit.
I want to be good, I want to be good and do well.

I want to be friends with you, be good, do well. I want to,
obviously, listen to,
obviously, your point of view,
obviously, I want to know,
obviously, if you have few,
obviously, children and,
obviously, when you do.

No no, no imitation needed, just free entrance to all events, especially if you are a famous fighter. Leave a meter of lace hanging, this is at least what Francesca said.

Inside further on top
Tear it out
Inside further on top of the top
tear it out
inside left of the top of the top
pull it out
both hands helping
night pulling left letting go
left pulling right letting go
inside of a mouthful of pear cuts

It’s so serious

No I don’t want that, I don’t want any of that. My cardigan is too small, it is too small and I am falling. And I know that I have to be nice and stop complaining. So hard that I can hear myself scream from the other side. How long have you been standing there? 

I have to change this cardigan, change this cardigan and start behaving. Like a proper lady. I should not ask for more affection. Never ask for more affection. That is not lady-like. Never ask for things you should not be asking for. Just shut up and listen. Just sit down next to the cardinal and listen. Why don’t you want so many things 

Gimme more affectionnnnnnn, gimme me more affectionnnnnn, caress my hand, kiss my jaw, touch my hand as if by mistake. Gimme me more affection and kisses and all. Or I will die. 

Stand, Still, Next, to, the jaw. Your Jaw. Don’t. Move. Your Jaw. Stand. Still. Next, to, Your Jaw. No JAw. No Jaw. Stand Still. DOn’t move. 

It’s so serious. Trying to make sense of my schedule. 

It’s so serious. Ordering a side of hand cut chips.

It’s so serious. Smoking.

It’s so serious. Auditioning for a part you barely want.

It’s so serious. All these fucking people in the street.

It’s so serious. All people in the street swearing at you because you don’t take notice of them.

It’s so serious. All the people in the street, the fucking people, swearing at you, because you do not take notice and accelerate and almost fall on them. 

It’s so serious. Your mouth full of debris. Your mouth full of stupid debris. 

It’s so serious. Not wanting to want to cook or keep wanting. 

It’s so serious. My pyjamas - are so serious.

My underpants. Are so serious. The hundred times I am woken up by all the sniffing. So serious. it’s so serious. Why don’t you give me a fucking break. It’s so serious. You are so serious. Oh so serious. Oh so serious. You know when you are looking at me as if I am not English, as if I do not have an accent. When you think I am who you think I am. It’s so serious. Being serious. Oh it’s serious. Being serious. Oh it’s serious. Being serious. Oh it’s serious. It’s so serious. Being serious. Oh so serious. The headaches, the pieces of musty bread in the sink. All the batteries that I do not know where to recycle. My cat’s antibiotic treatment which never expires. It’s so serious. Having too many pillows. Not making the bed. It’s so serious. Hating the people in the street, hating the fucking people in the street, even the ones you like. It’s so serious. Missing the meeting. Missing the meeting. Missing the meeting. It’s so serious. Missing part of the meeting. It’s so serious. Missing part of the meeting and wishing you were not there at all, wishing you were DEAD, wishing you did not have to add it to your online calendar, because you are DEAD. it’s so serious. Being DEAD, because you don’t want to be in the meeting. 

It’s so serious. Oh so serious. Oh so serious. Oh so serious.

Trying to think of a think that will make you relax your shoulders. not being able to convince yourself to stop the madness. To stop pretending to stop. Oh so serious. Have the fish. Have the battered fish. Oh so serious. Close your eyes. No, no ketchup, just mayo please. Eat the chips. Just eat the chips. And do not think about the meeting. 

Just pretend you have created an impression. Pretend you have created an impression. Pretend the other person is important and you have created an impression.

My bathtub is full of debris, standing on four feet. I open the tap and do not realise that my bathtub is full of debris. The bathtub is shrinking like wax, very small and now transparent. Next thing, I fall in love with a man with two children 'I have two children', he has a moustache 'I have a moustache', he holds me for a while and then has to go 'I have to go'. He returns and 'Here is a t-shirt' as a gift and a list of the best Lebanese restaurants in the area. My dad opens the door and I say we met in an international, interdisciplinary conference.

Who am I going to complain now about my tooth 1,2,33,4,5,6,7,8,9,29, that is broken again? My dentist is DEAD DEAD. He died under the most horrid circumstances, he was illed while trying to fix a 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,29 broken tooth.

Underneath of me there is a pool of shit, no, no, underneath of me, there is a pool of shit, no, no, underneath of me there is a pool of shit, no, no, underneath of me, there is a pool of shit, I envision you struggling to come out. Taking too long to come out of the coffee shop toilet. And then, I turn round and I see you. You are standing with the familiar pose, one hip slightly leaning. You are talking about cultural imperialism, or something, to a woman, I do not know. What if she is funnier than me? What if she entertains you more than I would do? What if, she will take you by the hand and make you laugh more than I do? What if she falls in love with you and you fall in love with her and you both talk about cultural imperialism underneath the candlelight. What if she proposes to you and you accept and you go to Santorini for your honeymoon and you fracture your toe and they take you to the hospital and while you wait for the doctor you overhear a conversation about cultural imperialism and your doctor has written a book on cultural imperialism and your wife refuses to have children unless you talk to her about cultural imperialism and your uncles and aunties open a trust fund so that they can fund your operation, so that you can keep talking about cultural imperialism. And what if in your first meeting with your publisher about your book Cultural Imperialism and other tragic stories, you meet me again, and you remember how much you loved me, before you met that other woman, in the coffee shop, on your way to the toilet. 

You write to me and sniff your nose and wipe it all around and up and down. Is it because you wan to say 60%, or or 60%, or 60% or or 60% or 60, 60, 60 % ?



I am dripping in my pants. You are HOT HOT and I want you now. Your tie, hot hot hot, always does the trick. If you come, hot, on a Friday evening, hot, hot, I will wear my hills and smell of nutmeg, hot, and vanilla. I will ask my students, not so hot, to do some task, hot, so that I can think of you. You will be lost in the maze, hot hot hot, of this place, hot, but will eventually find it. It will be hot, the right kind of hot, and you will hot, and hot the other way, perhaps a hot of shyness. I know this is not hot, you always find the hot hot, but it's ok. I am not hot, or hot, or hot hot. In your hot I find hot, but it made me hot to you, so Ho hot and hot and hot hot hot and hot and hot. Hot hot hot hot hot hot hot.    

I thought I was in love with you - your long hair, beautiful eyes, until you wore that stupid scarf. Until the day when you put on that stupid head scarf, a stupid egg yolk bandana around your head. Give me a break.

Mi Fa La Si Si

Let's pretend it is Saturday

Mi Mi Fa La Si Si Do

Let's pretend it is Saturday

Mi Fa La Si Si Do Do Reeeee

I take a walk in town and my legs hurt, someone gives me a wheelchair. I have a girlfriend and she has no tits and my boss, who looks like my uncle, tries to kiss me in the middle of the road.

I, I  was just helping

BITCH

I, was only helping, I was not the mole

BITCH

I had security clearance

BITCH

I was helping my twin brother who knew nothing about the president's alternative route

BITCH

I had security clearance

BITCH

He was my brother

BITCH

He he

BITCH

It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't

BITCH

BITCH

BITCH

It wasn't me, I was never on the Bieber or the Russian plane or the casino in Macau

BITCH

It wasn't me in the fiords, or in the mountains in Pondinya. I am not familiar with the morse code, I have never worn a wig, I have no knowledge of the radioactive RTG light houses in Russia, I wasn't the mole. I have never been to the STS headquarters, or the NSA, CIA, STD, YMCA offices, I promise

BITCH

In ppppp
In ppppppp
In pppppppp

are you bored?

in pppppppp
in pppppaaaaa

in praprapraprap

in pact
in parct
in practice

you know this, you know! This is I did this is I did this thing I did this thing, the parrot thing, drunk and pissed off, cause the line-up was so shit and did this parrot thing mmmmmaaaaa Pipineza!! Parrot wanting to shit with his butt but the owner has invited the president for tea, Pipineza!! mmmmmmaaaaa, the owner, Pipineza!!! Has cleaned the bathroom doors, the knobs, the matt the brush and the parrot wants to shit with his butt mmmmmmmuuuuaaaaaaa but the owner, Pipineza!!! has invited the president for tea. The president, Charchoudas, has been invited for tea and the owner, Pipineza! has cleaned the bathroom mmmmmmmmaaaaaaa!

Why not- why not take off your fluorescent orange bikini first
the bottom then the top
why not stop in the width of coast, look
at me and say
why not stop in the
width of coast, look at
me and
say
why not look at me and wave.

Left right leg
up- left- left
right - leg down
upside down - leg
left left leg
right left
leg left left
and then right
and left left arm
right left arm
right left and
right. Right
leg right right
leg left left
arm right right
right arm left
left arm left left
arm and leg left
right.

You are coming that way, You are one two three, four five six seven, You walk in two's, under the branch, next to the rock, near the parking. You dry the excessive water off your shirt. You are out of sight.

Thailand 2014 In my dream you whisper: egg-free pistachio, egg-free pistachio! I had a boob job and my tits look like fried eggs stuck together and looking sideways.

 No, no worries, I know you do not munch crackers in the airport. No, you are not this type, munching crackers and cheese cubes our of the purple bowl in the airport. No, you are the type who wears a long, pink, chiffon skirt, which touches the floor and sweeps the cramps from the crackers in the airport.

 Thank you, thank you Town Hall! Thank you! Thank you Town Hall, Thank you for your kindness, for the years of trust, for the sleepless nights, for this magnificent ceremony, for saying goodbye, Thank you Town Hall, I love you. I love you Town Hall, I have never met a Town Hall like you before, my dear Town Hall. Ευχαριστώ, σας ευχαριστώ, με συγκινείτε, με συγκινείτε, πως με συγκινείτε.

 Hear that? KSSSSSS, no that, KSSSSSSSS, that? KSSSSSSS, hear that?

 Pipipipipipipipipipipopipopipipopopopopipipopopopopopopopipipipipipipopopopopopopopoppopopopopoooooooooooooopopopopopop, hear that? 

Oooooon watermelon-lon-lon-lon-lin-lon-lon-lon 

OOOOOnnnnn, watermelon -lon-lon-lon-lin-lon-lon-lon 
ooooooooooonnnn watermelong, lon-lon-lon-lin-lon-lon-lon
 You chocked oooooooon watermelong, lon-lon-lon-lin-lon-lon-lon
 ooooooooooooooooooooooooon watermelon

Debris

My bathtub is full with debris, standing on four feet. I open the tap and do not realise I have to bathe in debris. The bathtub is shrinking like wax, it's very small now and transparent. Next thing, I fall in love with a man with two children. He has a moustache, he holds me for a while and then he has to go. He returns to give me his t-shirt as a gift and a list of the best Lebanese restaurants in the area. My dad opens the door and I say we met in an international, interdisciplinary conference. What a bore.

My apricot stone breast

So I take you to the other end of the world and you choke on watermelon. Something about displacement of enjoyment I guess. But what do you want me to do for your watermelon? What do you want me to say? Wewwaterwaterweewareewaterweterwarwatermelon

Who am I going to complain now about my tooth 29 being broken again? My dentist is DEAD DEAD

Underneath of me there is a pool of shit. I envision you struggling to come out, as you fight your lower tummy cramps, taking too long to come out of the coffee shop toilet. And then, I turn round and I see you. You are standing with the familiar pose, one hip slightly leaning. You are talking about cultural imperialism, or something, to a woman, whose face I cannot see. What if she is funnier than me? What if she entertains you more than I would do? What if, she will take you by the hand and make you laugh more than I do? I love you x

Let's pretend it's Saturday. I take a walk in town and my legs hurt, someone gives me a wheelchair. I have a girlfriend and she has no tits and my boss, who looks like my uncle, tries to kiss me in front of everyone. Let's pretend it's Saturday. My legs hurt and I am afraid I did not do enough stretching after my pilates.