neuf

I feel lethargic in my new house everything is far away from everything that existed before you are coming to visit and there are two birds flying on my ceiling

you called from the airplaine. My phone was growing inside the seaweed and I was liying on the road painting my hands blue, yellow and white waiting for someone to offer me a job (in the film industry). You called from the airplane. You sounded far. You were. You were in the air. You sounded strange. You said you are with  a girl. I said, yes, I know, with that girl of yours. You paused. I said, don't pause. Then I paused. I asked: is she your girl? You said yes. I dropped the phone in the seaweed.  

(andrew James Jones)

I hate those girls, those girls that first become friends with the boy, the boy I like, they first become friends, very close friends, they pretend it never crossed their mind, nothing beyond friendship. Then, one night, when they are friends and he cooks mackerel and mash and green lentils, the same night that he crushes a whole nutmeg, they read a book or they do something else, they lie on the familiar blanket. Then, accidently, extremely accidently it happens. They are not friends anymore and it has never crossed their mind. And of course, he cannot live without them anymore and he loves them more and more, more and more each day, and this is how he is trapped forever. I hate those girls.

hotel voulez-vous

so, you said you wouldn't have me, because you didn't know me that well, because you had met me only once. You wouldn't have me home, because it was too far away, because you were not sure. And I couldn't bear the feeling of you thinking of me as one of them, one of those women who car and crash and home and feed and stay. I couldn't bear thinking you might feel I wanted to car and crash and stay. So, I came back to yours one night, the night of the mackerel and mash, going to be simple, the night of the green lentils, when you crushed a whole nutmeg. I had never seen anyone crushing a whole nutmeg before. Your ribs were broken and you were hurting. I wanted to hitch-hike to come quicker, the dog was barking, my anorak was too small and I had no knickers on. You opened the door and said 'Tack your belly in', you said 'tack your belly in, silly girl, yes, yes, that's right, that's better, that's what you need'.

We lied down and fell asleep, you liked to sleep with strangers, one, two or more it depends on the time.

that is all it takes, one small word, made by two others. One small word, sweetheart.

(image: andrew james jones)

the mustache

those dark and hard and terrible holes underneath my nose that multiply and those hair, rare and not in a sequence, I live in a dead end my mustache

late

something inside my pants punching me trying to get out, something inside my white wide pants boxing me, and trying to get out, something inside my wild white wide pants punching me and trying to get out, something inside my wild white wide tight slight sight allright stoplight upright pants punching me and trying to get out late at night, just before I fall asleep.

endings

I am crying. I am unsure. I am unsure, confused and crying. I have a simple way of loving. I say: I will never hide anything from you. I will tell you when I feel bad. I will tell you when I feel good. I will not believe in the way love works in films. I will never flirt with your relatives. Or your close friends. I will look at your eyes, I will love your belly, I will cry secretly, when you will not watch, I will cook for you cousoucs with cashew nuts and marinated peppers.
I am crying. I am unsure. I spend hours thinking of the things you said. The things you meant. The things you meant to say. You put your arm around my waist. I can see the top of your head. I kiss it. It is easter and there are fireworks. And I am alone. Writing to you, as if everything will resolve itself. As if everything never happened. I think of the day that you will visit me in Lockheart Street. You will come and say hello. I will make some tea. We will sit and comment on the small cat door, on the fact that we have one, but no cat to jump through it. We will sit on the kitchen bench, a little uncomfortable. You will be charmed, again, by my flatmate, the violinist, violinists always charm you, and I will say to myself, I wish I'd play the violin. Then we will go to the garden. It is a small cement patio really, and not a garden. But we call it a garden. A back garden. Because we also have a front one. Which is not really a garden, it is more of a patch of green, but we call it a garden. We will sit in the garden and we will smoke, although we have both quit, for different reasons. We will smoke and I will tell you about how I like the sentences that begin with endings. The endings of the previous sentences. And you will say how you like small sentences. Sentences without verbs. Sentences punctuated by laughing. Then I will think of the violinist that charmed you, you will understand and you will laugh. Then I will think of all those people that once liked me and they don't anymore. Because they know only the one perspective. Because for them there seems to be only one perspective. We will finish our cigarettes, look at each other and at the cement patio, which is our back garden. And then we will both know. You will bring your things in the next day. You will only have two suitcases and a tambourin. I will love the tambourin. In the night, before going to bed, you will whisper stories to me and play the tambourin. Then we will zip up the suitcases and fall asleep.

Am I this spiteful woman? This monstrous woman that does not look at you, that does not glance at you not even once. You try to kiss me in the lips, no lip kissing today. If I kiss you it means, yes, I am yours. Even when I am not. If I kiss you, you kiss me back and, yes, I am yours. If I say no, you like it. If I say yes, you kiss me and then you stop. 

Immediately regretted not coming out. My ribs are broken and my thumb swollen. And I forget the word. I forget the bloody word. I take the stethoscope and I hear my broken ribs. I hear them and they say something. I hear more closely. Then I cannot hear at all.  

the wheel and the willy

he was sitting next to me in the train. He had receding hair and was wearing a traincoat. I rubbed my willy with my thumb and he looked at me. He looked at me and my willy and the thumb. I rubbed my willy again. Then the light went of. When it turned on he was rubbing his willy in the dark. I stared at him. His thumb was swollen and bloody. Bloody thumb. I got off the train. He followed. He wanted to let me go first, ladies first, but I stared ahead. Then I lost him in the crowd. 

I wake up my mouth is dry

my elbow is dry

my shoulder is dry

my pussy is dry

Who wins in this game and who comes first?

chaque jour envie

d' être un jour en vie

non certes sans regret

un jour d' être né

SM

imagine si ceci

un jour ceci

un beau jour

imagine

si un jour

un beau jour ceci

cessait

imagine

SM

You will say I am shy and no one will believe you. Because from time to time you flash your breasts to strangers, you give your phone number to lesbian girls, you wear fur with sport shoes, you shout at the boys with the water balloons and the little knifes. You will say I am shy, and no one will believe you, because you create all this fictional narratives and you present them as real, because you forget the names and star signs of your ex's, you say I am lonely and you laugh. Until the day that you are really shy and you have said it so many times that no one believes you anyway. And you burn in the fire, screaming. 

Wife is coming tomorrow. It is the last night you sleep alone. How many nights have you written I love you and good night? How many I miss

tonight, before I sleep, I will think of you. I will think of the time you kissed me as if saying I will be here tomorrow to hold you and caress you and love you and stay and look at no other woman, apart from our friends, and cook couscous for you with cashew nuts and keep the tops of the peppers and put them in olive oil and wine vinegar to marinate. And I will wake up in the morning, you will say, and I will not mind that I will have woken up in the morning with so many others before, because now it will be just you and me and the cashew nuts and the marinated peppers and no one else. No one else in the world. 

You know, I 've been meaning to call you. I 've been meaning to call you and tell you how much I miss you. I 've been meaning to call you and hug you and caress you all night. I've been meaning to spend with you a lifetime. I have, I 've been meaning to stay in the dark, after you sleep and caress your shoulders, and your forehead, which is warm during the night, it is warm, the heating on five. I've been meaning to tell you how sorry I am for saying I cannot get attached to anyone at this point in my life, to say it is ok that we are not alone, because I know how distressed you get when it is just the two of us. I have been meaning to call you, you will say, but you will never do.

When I go to the theatre, I sit next to a young man. He is usually young and a man. I say hello, he stares at me. I say hello again. Then I ask him his age. He says 22, where he is from, Polland, what he does, he studies relational linguistics in Reading. Then I ask him if he is single. He says no. Then I say that I get scared in the dark. And if I could hold his hand in the dark. He says yes, I can, he hesitates. When the performance begins, I wait until the third scene, when it is a living room play, until I touch his hand. I usually touch it in the third scene, the very end of it, when it is finally dark, these things happen in the theatre. The third scene, because it is not too late or too early, you still have time to cuddle and hug if it works, and it is not so early, if it ends up being embarrassing. I do, I do an embarrassing thing every time. I ask him, after a while, if he wants to see my breasts. If he wants to touch them. He looks at me and laughs. He laughs as if he waited for it to happen. He then answers. He says no. Then we become friends.

you had a little mountain on the left of your eye I climbed on it, I did a pic-nic, I planted a tree. I stayed there, I watered it. I fed it. I gave it my finger to eat and my thumb to suck till you are not hungry

John! John!

Why, John, why? Why did you never thought of me? You never thought of my little heart, my little porcelain heart? Why, John? Why did you throw it away, you broke it in pieces and you tried to glue it afterwards, in vain?

John, John, you made me want and want and want. 

You whispered in my ear, you hugged when I was sleeping, you said you missed me. You said you like me somehow, how, John, how? You cried in my sleep, you dreamt of me. You came and came and came, John, you waited for me.

Why John? And I believed you, I believed everything you said. And then, I saw you, I saw you, John. I saw you hugging the others, I saw you telling them you missed them and you made them want and want and want, and they believed you.  

didn't care? didn't care? didn't care?

my feelings didn't care? my little heart didn't care?

my little heart didn't care?

I love you 

I love you

didn't care

you touched all the girls with the long hair and the fat lips

you touched them right after you touched me

didn't care

didn't care

you touched my mother

didn't care

you touched my father

didn't care

you touched my sister

didn't care

you touched the girls with the purple dresses

the girls with the short hair, the short hair, the short hair

then you touched me

didn't care

didn't care

Are you George? This is Helena

she looks at me her belly is big

No, I am not.

George or Helena?

Helena, no, I am not George.

Is it Helena, right?

Her belly grows bigger while I am asking

I know it is not, it is not Helena, then what is it?

It is Helen, she says, and gives birth immediately. 

one of these days I am one of these days I will one of these days to burst out laughing to die and die one of these days to melt and cry and tear apart I learnt so far with you to love and be and stay - for, only you stood still, and cut my hair and waved, for, only you stood there

love and kisses to the wonder you are to me (and well done)

three

I dreamt I had an affair with triplets

one of them hugged me

the other shagged me

the other mugged me

the other loved me

one of them kissed me

the other bit me

the other whipped me

the other missed me

I dreamt I had an affair with triplets

one of them fed me

the other led me

the other lent me

one of them cried

the other night

the other died

porto

Licking,

Licking, sucking
Licking sucking fucking licking
Licking sucking fucking fisting licking
Licking sucking fucking fisting fucking licking
Licking sucking fucking fisting fucking sucking licking

day

He is there and he is there and I love him love him love him and he is there he is htere and I love him love him loe him and he is there his there and I love him love him love him and he is there he is there and i love him love him love him. 

We did not fuck at the end, because during the day he was wearing a hat that didnt suit him and I was wearing these huge sun glasses that he asked me to take off and I didn’t.

too

He had this curly hair too long to call them short too short to call them long too long to have them loose too short to tight them up too soft to straighten them up too dark to bring them up
I went to his house he had a view to the old city. I like views.
It was too soon to fuck and too late to sleep.
He hold me and hold me and I was only wearing tights no pants and he pushed his dick against my thighs and I was only wearing tights no pants and he pushed his head against my thighs and I was wearing tights tights no pants and he pressed his chin against my thighs and I cried and cried

can you

can you please, can you please keep going?
one more minute one more minute? please, please,
keep going! But the bus is coming, my sister is looking for me.
Please, please keep going. What about the water, what about the water.
Don't worry about the water, I have my scurf, please, keep going.
The bus is here, the bus has come, please, keep going.
My sister is looking for me, the water is here, the water is gone.
My sister is gone, my sister is here, please, keep going.
The bus is gone, the water is here, please, keep going.

piss pass posh

Are you pissed? are you passed? are you posh?
Are you least? are you last? are you lost?

Are you fish? Are you fussed? Are you rosh?
Are you kiss? Are you sass? Are you joss?

Tell me you love me, tell me you love me, tell me you do.
Tell me you have me, tell me you fart me, tell me you do.

Tell me you'll have me, tell me you'll sort me, tell me you'll feed me,
tell me you do.
Tell me you'll beat me, tell me you'll whip me, tell me you'll kill me,
tell me you do

And if you do, my dear you, if only, if, you do,
I'll be kind, I'll be blind, I'll be sigh, I'll be through.

And if you do, oh dear, you, if, oh, you do,
I'll be nice, I'll be bright, I'll be there for you.

sore

my back hurts
my back aches
my back pains

my heart hurts
my heart aches
my heart pains

my ass hurts
my ass aches
my ass pains

my far hurts
my far aches
my far pains

listed

you listed the options last night, and you forgot one, you listed the options and you forgot one. You forgot one, the number one, you said we can do this and that, you listed the options and you forgot one, the one, the option to love me and not to love, to care and not to care, you forgot one, the option to be where.
Rule it out baby, rule it out! You listed the options and you forgot one, the one. You woke up and you were sad.

recede

I am sitting here I think of you and I am farting I think of the way you frown when you think and when you are caressed the same frown
I wonder why, because your thoughts are like caress or my caress is like your thoughts 
you made me say 'and sometimes' so many times that lost it and looking for it everywhere
No time to explain the title, no time to send you a mail by post, one of those I like, one of those I think of as too emotional, but I send nevertheless
I have three options

I can send it now, I can pretend I am sending it or I can pretend I sent it and it got lost. Like sometimes.

I fart again, and you don't like it. You said, I am nice, minus farting.
Then you say something else, very nice, I cannot recall. What if it is unbearable? What if it is unbearable that it is not unbearable, this parting?
U come out?
I hear you laughing 
Then you say something else, very nice, I cannot recall.
The night of the cabaret, you like coal shirts. You come back with me.
And your hair everywhere.
You say, friendly looking face, receding hair. This is the first time I hear the word. Receding.
That moment recedes infinitely.
Then you say something else, very nice, I cannot recall.
You stroke my hair. The light is light and we never kiss.

a little story about a little story that happened or never happened

He exploded like a bomb long forgotten after a war in a field, a battle field perhaps, on my beautiful mattress folded, carefully folded  because had it not been so, it made me feel lonely, too much space for one single person

he exploded like a bomb on my carefully placed pillows, the monochrome one, yellow, the flowery one, the one with the repetitive pattern. He exploded and when I complaint he shoved one up my mouth, the yellow one. And when i complaint he shoved up another one, the flowery one, in my little bird, bird as in little bird, as in my case, long forgotten, after a war in a battle field. And when I complaint he shoved up one more, the one with the repetitive pattern.

Now, with the yellow pillow in my mouth and the flowery one and the one with the repetitive pattern in my bird, I exploded and cried and laughed like a bomb long forgotten on a carefully folded mattress, folded, because had in not been so, it made me feel lonely too much space for one single person.

don't smile, my mum will be sed, don't smile

'Don't smile, my mum will be sed, don't smile,' she said.
'Sorry, I'm so sorry. I was a work.' I knew it straightaway.
'Apologize for this, but I understand is Wednesday.'
I recognised that haircut, it is one of those that you can leave your hair loose only if it's freshly washed.
When you've worked nine hours and taken two trains,
because the fringe is so short,
it looks so bad you have to wear your hair elsewhere
and pull it back.
'Don't smile, my mum will be sed,' she said talking on the phone, 'don't smile.'
I knew she had worked nine hours and taken three trains, her forehead shiny her lips parted her eyes heavy.
'Don't smile,' she said, 'don't smile.'

the end (fade slowly)

he is sitting on the table wearing those transparent glasses the glasses that pretend not to be glasses but they are he is sitting wearing a ring what ring which ring sitting in his ring turning the page he prefers to use the ring finger it makes more sense, yes, he places his hand on top of the page on top of the page

so that he sees he sees the ring and never forgets he sees it there to shine he frowns and wonders where his woman is he writes and turns and writes he hopes his wife will finally come lost in his ring of pools lost in his wedding wedding dream or river or sleep or full what a fool I was what I fool I am to believe that there will for me too what a fool I frown i smile and frown what a full there is noone here for me no ring no finger to turn the page no finger to wait and wait there is no big clue no big mouth to say that to say 

don't shout you will never know you will never know, that i was waiting there alone and heard you laugh and smile i heard you smile because of course i thought you laugh for me for something i said but then again i was not there so how could that be

for ingemar who loves his wife more than I would ever do

little

it is sometimes so strange, it is sometimes so hard
to love and be and pee and last
to be and pee and last
it is so strange and hard
to be and pee and last
so now
not now not now
it is sometimes so strange and hard
and strange and hard not now
it is when time has come
to say goodbye out loud
to say goodbye and hear you say
to say it is it is
to say goodbye sometimes it's strange
to stay and say and pee
goodbye my love
goodbye my love
it is so hard to say
it is so hard
i will never dream
i will never sleep or claim

popopo

popopo
that is a sound
popopo
that is a cloud
popopo
that is a bound
popopo
that is a noun
it is a noun a great noun a noun to drink to spit to have and kiss and blow
it is a noun to blow and drink and spit and have and have and blow
it is a noun to whisper
a noun to hold
a noun to love
a beautiful noun
popopo
it is a cloud
popopo
it is a pound
popopo
it is a found
popopo
it is a round
popopo
it is a crowd
popopo
it is a proud
popopo
it is a cloud
which cloud? what cloud?
it is a cloud to whisper, a cloud to hold, a cloud to throw, a cloud to hold
it is a cloud to mirror, a cloud to warm, a cloud to sponsor, a cloud to whole

please

please, spit on me, darling, please
I beg you
If you love me
if you care about me
please
please darling spit spit hard spit on me
I beg you
you are the one and only I swear
I swear, darling
once, I had you in my hands I had you
I had you on my hands and
and
and, little darling,
I spat on you
because I loved you, because,
some times in your life, you have to take that big decision
and spit on the one you love
and, little darling,
you were drowning
you were drowning in my spit
and you were drowning and I didn't help you
I didn't help you
because, sometimes in your life you have to take the big decision and spit on someone
you have to, little darling
yes