Top ten

of 2012 1. Swimming in sweet lake with toothless Johnny 2. Finding out about my new job in Cambridge 3. Performing How to Catch a Dog in a Bucket with Joe K. 4. Performing Lola and Stephen with Owen G. at the Hayward 5. Keeping in touch with Andriana, Haris, Owen etc. 6. Performing Pussy Pocket in the lesbian dinner party and having dinner with Amalia 7. Seeing my mother recovering after a long time 8. Moving to Cambridge (with Owen) 9. Visiting my sister in Berlin 10.Meeting G. 11.Being a respondent in PM (G. was there) 12. Falling in love with G.

I squeeze squeeze squeeze your hand as if to say: I am here, I want you and I will stay. And I hope you feel the same. But my hand is cold and my skin is breaking apart. I miss you and I have no words to say this. Just rubbing my broken skin on yours and trying not to look at my watch.

I feel I am doing everything wrong. I woke up too late, I did not call my mum, I waited till my coffee was ready to open your letter. I did not wash my hair, I made a bun instead and I am spending this precious time thinking of all of this. Stop thinking, stop thinking, you stupid bitch, and get back to work.

It is very cold today and I don't have any ear muffs. I wonder what you are doing, with your slender figure against the wind. I had nightmares again last night, about you having an allergic reaction to my duvet. I did wash it, I did wash it a while ago, but I will wash it again. I promise.

I know you don't want a bike. I know you don't want a fucking bike. You just want me not to make love to the train driver. But I won't. I won't make love to the train driver or the bus driver or the captain. I will sit still in the middle of this cold nothingness and wait for you to come back home.