Tonight I am the same again. The same stomach, the same lonely hips, the same empty mouth. I fuck my hot water bottle and fall asleep.

I have a pencil on the top of my head and I write your name. I write your name on the ceiling of my car, inside the train, in the cubicle toilet, as part of my pray. I write your name on all parts of the city, which I loved and walked and stepped and cried. Your name is written now and only a storm will fade it away.

The good tuna

I’ve got good tuna and good tuna and I’ve got a moustache and I’ve got good tuna good tuna and I’m a filmmaker and Ive got good tuna and why don’t you come over one night and I’ve got good tuna and why don’t you take off your tights tonight and I’ve got good tuna and good tuna and why don’t you kiss me and I’ve got good tuna and a mouth that eats good tuna and a little belly come have good tuna and a little apartement good tuna and a pillow for you to lie and a little carpet and good tuna.

And he said he wanted to put me on the sink and take care of me and then I tried to turn on the ventilator and he held my hips with both hands and pushed me and lifted me up towards the ventilator and then he lied down on my hair and he lied down on my hair and i lied down myself and he lied down and we fell asleep.

I have made a terrible mistake. For years I thought this is what I am interested in. I spent years working on this and I now realise: I am not interested in this at all. In fact, I never was and I will never ever be. And all those years are now lost.

the most amazing thing about my pussy is my pussy pussy is written like pussy and pussy is written like pussy and pussy is written like pussy, pussy pussier pussiest, this is my pussy. Yes, yes, come to me, yes, yes come to me...poul poul poul poul, poussy, pousy poysy, pousy, pousy, pussy? poussy, pussy, pussy? I say, it's pussy, you say it's pussy, you say, it's pussy.

my pussy flooded, I forgot to pull the plug. It rained so hard that my pussy flooded and then it sank. My pussy sank like a stone.

Blah

We went out blah blah blah did you laugh at all? no, not really, then what, what if you didn’t laugh- yes but we went out blah blah and and had fun
We went out blah blah blah we didn’t laugh at all yes but your laughing your laughing is a grower your laughing what do you mean a grower you know because you are a foreigner it grows with time it blooms and grows with time
we went out blah blah blah we didn’t laugh at all yes but my laughing my laughing is a grower you know because I am a foreigner it blooms and grows with time you know it grows and blooms and flowers with time

(she tells the story to different people, each time a little more info is added to the story, preferably info about what the date meant, and she adds this info to the story she narrates next time and the time after that and the time after that and after that time)

Sometimes I want all the impossible things. I want all the impossible things and I don’t care. Sometimes I want all the impossible things and I am counting untill you come back. I m counting because i dont know what you want and if you want what I want or if you are there. I am counting ten minutes untill you come back Sometimes it’s like you will not come back and I am still counting. I just stand there I try to stand there and not to move from my place because you don’t want me to move from my place because if I move from my place you say where are you going and I don’t want to move from my place. So, I try to reach my cup of tea from where I am, I try to eat from where I am, to answer the phone and cook dinner. I try not to move an inch further. Sometimes I wish everything was closer I have two goldfish I name the one after you and the other after me after you and after me are running round and round and round all day long and I don’t know which one is following which one is following which one is following the other they are running round and round all day long and I don’t know which one is following which one is following which one is following the other. One day they jump out and leave. One day the bowl broke and there was so much water coming out that the died instantly. Sometimes I wish everything was closer because sometimes I am counting to ten and you don’t come I am counting because I dont know what you want and if you want what I want or if you are there. So, I have to stuff myself with other thoughts so that I don’t think of you anymore I m just curious to find out what you are thinking when Im stuffing myself because i’m thinking is it really worth it and if it is really worth it, is it really worth it being worth it, I’m wondering is it really worth it because all the things I’m doing in order to be worth it are too much and sometimes because of the things that are too much I dont know if it is really worth it. Sometimes I have to stuff myself so much that I don’t know if it is really worth it and then i think it is worth it but what about not being worth it what about not being worth it and is it really worth it and what about not being worth it.

three things

There are three things I remember that dear man, the shallow water, your forehead that looked like mine, the way you couned things with your fingers, the way your beard grows, the way you twist my words, your front teeth, how I thought I saw you passing by. How I thought I saw you passing by with another woman. How I thought I saw you passing by with another woman. How I thought I saw you in the opposite train or platform or aeroplane. How I thought I saw you passing by in the opposite train or platform or aeroplane. I thought I saw you in the opposite train staring at someone. I thought that someone was wearing square glasses like mine. How I thought you talked to the friend of that someone wearing square glasses like mine. I thought you touched the left hand of the friend of that someone. I thought you touched her left hand and held it in yours. that someone pretended not to notice. I thought the friend of that someone wanted to hold your hand too, visit your house, look at your empty frames and find them beautiful, wait till you come back, and read your books in the meantime How she wanted to look into your wardrobe, to count your scarves and the holes in your belts, to discover if there is a pattern in the way you arrange your shirts, in the way it gets darker every night.

My boy likes my dress

I put on a dress, the blue one, you put on a dress, the blue one, and you fuck me fuck me fuck me I put on a blouse, the red one, you put on a blouse, the purple one, and you fuck me fuck me fuck me
I put on a star the purple one, you put on a star, the purple one, and you fuck me fuck me fuck me
You hold your cock you hold your hold you hold your cock you hold your port
I hold my hole I hold my cole I hold my cole and cry
I put on a dress, the red one, you put on a dress the green one and you fuck me fuck me fuck me
I like you in your dress my friends say I am fat I like you in your dress my friends say I am naf
And you fuck me fuck me fuck me
Come on my baby come on my baby
I will love you hard if you fuck me fuck me fuck me
Come on my lovely come on my clovely
I will love you enough if you fuck me fuck me fuck me
I will like your dress I will accept your caress if you fuck me fuck me fuck me
I will not cry I will not try if you fuck me fuck me fuck me
Come one my love come on so hard
If you fuck me fuck me fuck me
I love you hard i love you vast
If you fuck me fuck me fuck me
Stay around my love i will make you last
If you fuck me fuck me fuck me
I will lick your wound i will sleep in your prune
If you fuck me fuck me fuck me
I will give you my dress i will keep your caress
If you fuck me fuck me fuck me
And if you wish you were me and you had a cuntine i will stay around and pretend im so proud
If you fuck me fuck me fuck me
And if you wish you were me and you had a cuntine
I will be your cantine
If you fuck me fuck me fuck me

you are seating next to me in the library you are wearing black wellies and your breasts are soft and grey I stare at them for long sometimes you stare back your breasts are purple now and orange I stare at them for long sometimes they stare back a man of an average height approaches you he comes from a different country he talks to you about your breasts, grey and soft, now, again. You stare at him for long, sometimes he stares back. I can hear him talk he makes movements with his hands the timbre of his voice is soft ang grey you braid your hair i see your breasts, orange and purple and soft he makes a movement as if saying smoking or talking he types on the typewriter your breasts are now smiling your eyebrows lifting your teeth show he scrathes his neck you lean your breasts touch the table your breats push the table he writes on a typewriter he makes a movement as if talking or smoking he writes about your breats, green and purple and soft and blue you braid your hair you take your breast you put it in a soft cup and grey you look at it it is blue and grey and soft you put it back the man looks at me through his round glasses I pretend I am thinking I do a movement as if thinking or writing in a typewriter you braid your hair I drink from the plastic cup I can see the back of your bra through your blouse.

In my dream I am in this stadium there is a well known magician doing his act. It is interactive. His act is scary. He casts fire on people. I am backstage hiding. And there he comes. He picks up me. Out of everyone he picks up me. I am scared and my belly shows. I don’t want to go but I go in the sake of the experience. I have done so much in the sake of experience. He covers me in fat I wear a blue satin dress it is covered in fat last thing I remember is me on stage holding my glass of wine the lights are hot and covered in fat
The next morning I wake up I am scared I am burned, I remember I tell him I have a scar he shoudln’t put fat in. It feels like I was drunk and slept with a stranger

The idea behind it is this : how much can one take in order to be loved. How much to sacrifice or sustain to be loved.
I’ve changed the length of my skirt, my taste in music, the brand of my cornflakes, my haircut, at least four times. I’ve become a vegan for a week, anarchist, with feathers on my hair. A proper lady. I have bought second hand high heels with worn souls that make my feet hurt, because you like it. I’ve become a lesbian for a little while, a bi-sexual, because you had this phantasy. I have kissed men, women and a dog. I have travelled and travelled. To kerkyra, to Athens, to south of France, to north of France, to Cornwall, to Wellingborough, to Wisbeach. I’ve checked in and checked out. I’ve got used to wash my teeth every night. I’ve stayed outside in the cold in the South Bank for ages, because you like it. I have been hurting while you were fingering me, but never said a word. I have been hurting while you were kissing me, but never said a word. My ovaries have suffered a lot. I pretended I like asian cuisine, I fakes orgasms and laughs. I have been shaving my pussy the way you like it. I was convincing myself that you exist, so hard that I knew exactly the shape of your face, the smell of your neck. Now, I have learnt how to be or behave under all possible circumstances. I will cycle home if you want, or we can take a taxi. I will pay, I don’t mind. I will wear blue tonight. I will go back and change. As long as you remain the same.

I follow a particular pattern. I never let them approach. I go first. I ask them. Their name, their occupation, their marital status, their star sign, their sex preference, what time they wake up in the morning, what they have for breakfast. Then I pause. And they ask me. Waht are you thinking about. And I say. I am thinking about the thing you are thinking about. They smile. I want to kiss them straight away. But I wait. This is what I was told I should do. Then I ask if they cock. And if they do, what do they cock. If they enjoy cocking. If they would cock for me once. And then I invite them back home. They usually come. But because they are so many, they usually do not fit in my room. So, I have to open the window and the back door that leads to the garden. I put some of them in the fridge for later and some of them I eat straight away. And they don’t ask any questions anymore, inexplixably.

I bought this when I was 22. It was a bargain. It was only 32 euros. It had matching boxers. I met this guy. His name was Dimitris. He was a clown in the circus. He was laughing a lot. I thought he was making fun of me. We went to his place. He undressed me. He said nothing about my new underwear. We had sex. And when he had sex with me his mouth stayed open. And his tongue was hanging out between his lips and when he did this a bit of salive was dropping on my breasts.

There are always two men in my life, the one I love and the one I sleep with. The one I love I never sleep with and the one I sleep with I don’t love. Sleeping with the one I love would make me not love him anymore and want to sleep with him no problem. Sleeping with the one I don’t love would make me love him and not want to sleep with him. I would then sleep with the one I used to love and didn’t want to sleep with and I woudln’t want to sleep with the one I used to sleep with because I love him.

He was sitting next to me on the bus. He was wearing these big square glasses that covered half of his face. His nose was very long and pointy and his lips as if he recently had a stroke. He was the brother of a friend of my sister’s ex boyfriend. And I fell for him. I fell for him instantly. Because he told me during a six hour bus drive he described he explained with every detail. He told me and he showed to me and he told me. Exactly how to do it. How to wash my ass with a little sponge. And then, when the bus ride was finished he pretended he had a matress in his house he would like to sell to me. And I bought it. He asked for my phone number. When I entered my room the phone was ringing. And he continued. And he explained. And he told me he described he told me exactly. And I fell for him. And for his dismorphic lips and his pointy nose. I fell for him because he told me and explained to me during a six hour bus ride how to wash my ass with a little sponge. And it was warm and outside it as snowing.

I run I run I run as fast as I can, someone has stolen my pussy pocket. I need to cancel my pussy cards, I might have had my home address and telephone number in it -- I don't even remember. I need to put a fraud notification, a pussy hold, I need to change my lock too.

there is a pussy storm inside my pussy inside my tiny tiny tender pussy there is a storm. there is a violent disturbance of the atmosphere with violent winds and usually rain, a cyclone. There is a tempest inside my pussy, a whirlwind, a gale. A hurricane, this is not a typical storm. It is a giant storm, a rain, a hail, a shower, a spray. I lean, I lean, I lean over, I lean behind to find it again and I discover a storm.

In the dark I leave my last sigh, the last of the last, the one you never looked behind. You never did and therefore I exist. I am here now and not in the beef. I am not in the beef in the sea-salt as you never looked behind. I am never in the grief in the beef in the fry as you never called to see. To see if I am here, to see if I am near, to see if I exist. To see if I faint, to see if I blame, to see me sigh and breath.

This is what I always wanted. To write something that is not about you or me or my pussy. To write something that is not a pussy story, a pussy novel, a pussy song. To write something that is pussier than pussy, pussier than it ever has been. To write something that is something the pussiest you've ever seen.

Come here, little pussy, come here to eat. I hold your arms and hands safe in me.

you have to surrender I will count to ten. You have to remember, I will come in ten. You have to stay and cry and try and ply and reply to every single silly me and you. You have to surrender, I say and cry.

For your birthday I buy you a pussy. It is not a pussy like the rest of them. It is a beautiful automatic pussy. it cries when you cry and rests when you rest. Sometimes you can put it on standby and it reminds you the times you 've cried and slept with your eyes open, with your head ahead, with your elbows straight, with your knees on bed.

On your pillows I lay my arms. They are quite nice nice arms. Full of memories of the past. Full of plasters and stitches. You say, that's enough. I take off the plasters. I stare at you. I cut the stitches.

On your pillows, I lay my arms.

I sit in my lap. I love my lap. I sit surrounded by strangers. I talk to you. You are not a stranger. It is always like this, you say. Always dark and moist here, always dark. I stare ahead and think of the ways I can fall in love. So very few indeed.

So, how far is your pussy?
Oh, not far at all!
Will it take long?
No, not at all!

my wedding ring is a mark from your teeth on my fourth finger. Every time it goes away you bite me again in our anniversary

Last night it was terrible. I went to a yellow party, wearing a golden dress with one arm, where everyone was playing yellow food war. I then slept with my ex, the big one, and there was no place on the bed for me or him or no sheet at all. I changed the furniture position in my room, I thought that was the problem and then realised you were coming back and I had to tell you. And I loved you so much I could not, yet I had, because my heart was burning. I hate breaking up or cheating. I hate thinking about breaking up or cheating. And all the yellow and green and purple parties in the world won't make it better. And I hate my ex, who came and slept in my bed and took over all the space and left me with a burning heart. And I call you this morning and you do not pick up.

today I am tired. I am tired and exhausted. I am thinking of you and all my efforts to be loved. I am tired, overused, overworked, worn out, stale, clichéd, hoary, stock, stereotyped, predictable, unimaginative, unoriginal, uninspired, dull, boring.

keep kept kept

Yes of course, same one, same one
This is my advice to you
Keep peeping
Keep peeping
Keep peeping
Keep peeping
Yes, yes, keep peeping
Keep bipping
Keep dipping
Yes, keep dipping
Keep sipping
Keep blipping
Keep ripping
Keep nipping
Keep nippling
Keep nibling
Keep peeping.